We hear this phrase all the time, and I’ve found myself saying it too often over these last few months. ‘When this is all over, I will…’ ‘When things get back to normal, we’ll do …’
I’m fast coming to the conclusion that I’ve been thinking about this all wrong.
In his leadership podcast – ‘Developing the leader within you’ – John Maxwell explains how, when we are in the midst of a struggle, we can either adopt either bridge thinking or tunnelvision.
When you’re crossing over to something new, enjoying the scenery as you travel, you’re on a bridge.
When you’re going through something, willing it to eventually end, you’re in a tunnel.
In other words, there’s a difference between going TO something and going THROUGH something.
Trials shape us, there’s no doubt. They change our perspective, our attitudes to people, our philosophies for life.
But many of us falsely believe that we have no control over how our circumstances impact us. In fact, the opposite is true. The attitude we adopt towards difficulties has a massive influence over what we learn from them and accomplish through them.
Well, on a bridge there’s a view.There’s beauty. There’s open space and a higher vantage point to see ahead. When you see the trial as a bridge, you gain greater perspective on where you’re coming from, and where you’re going to. Your focus is on your destination, but you’ll still benefit from the journey.
If we can think about this time as a bridge to perseverance, creativity, self-care, innovation and learning; if we can view it as an opportunity to cultivate patience, better attitudes and more love for others – who knows how beautiful our lives could look by the time we get to our destination?
In contrast, in a tunnel all we can see is darkness, until we come out the other side. If we view this time of restrictions with tunnel vision, we may well eventually come out into the light, but we will emerge groggy and bleary eyed.
Inside a tunnel, it’s challenging to think about anything but yourself, and it’s hard to keep outward looking and others-focused. At the end of a tunnel, you might be relieved, exhausted, dazed or gasping for air. But you definitely won’t be invigorated or have the energy to love and serve others as you otherwise could.
Yes, it feels like we are crossing over from an old ‘normal’ to a new, somewhat daunting way of living. Waves of grief come with that process. It’s only natural.
But if we’re not careful, this whole thing will become a tunnel, and we will miss all that we can learn during the transition.
Let’s not be tunnel people and become so preoccupied with the darkness that we will miss what can be learned, what can be cultivated, what can be enjoyed along the way.
Let’s see this time as a bridge – a bridge to making us better – better at learning patience, better at loving others, and better at living life to the full.
About fifteen years ago, my ever generous mum-in-law gave me a pair of pyjamas (*incredible to think she was my boyfriend’s mum then – I loved her then, and now more than ever.*) They were the most comfortable pair of ‘jammies’ I have ever owned. But they were also leopard print, fleecy, garish and shapeless (see feature photo for close up😊). I was sceptical at first about how they looked, I’ll admit. But from the moment I put them on, I knew me and those pjs were in for the long haul. I LOVED them.
Year after year, regardless of how many new pairs friends bought me for Christmas, how many times Bill pleaded with me to throw them out, and regardless of how unattractive they looked, I just could not say goodbye to these pjs. They were comfort personified. They held memories of girlie sleepovers, movie nights, cosy days by the fire, and chaotic weeks in the house with newborn babies – all rolled into one.
Then this Christmas, something stirred within me out of the blue (or maybe it was the lovely royal blue tracksuit Bill bought me this year.) 😆
Either way, somehow I knew it was time to finally let my favourite old pjs go.
And in a way, 2020 – with all its change and uncertainty – has forced each one of us to let certain things go. It’s stirred something in all of us. It’s made us uncomfortably and consciously aware of all the luxuries we relied on year after year. It’s sharpened the edges of our comfort zones, exposed our garish indulgences, and reminded us of a sentimental desire to hold on to things that just make us feel good.
But maybe it’s time to embrace the new blue tracksuit of life and accept that things just aren’t the same anymore. To explore the new places there are to run. To understand that, for now at least, less is the new more; missing out is the new chilling out; that emptier calendars can lead to fuller minds and souls, if we so choose.
So, as I don my new (hopefully) more attractive tracksuit and finally say goodbye to those old pjs, perhaps I’ll be able to recognise the treasured memories wrapped up in what was, while at the same time putting my bravest, best (and potentially fittest) foot forward for what’s to come.
2020, we choose let go all that we need to let go of; and 2021, we choose to ‘wear’ you with all the dignity, energy and courage we can muster!!
I was at a wonderful online course last week called ‘The Boundaried Life’ by Katherine Purcell – check her out at KP therapy on Instagram; she’s got so much wisdom to bring! The whole evening was full of gems to live your life by, but one principle she shared really stuck with me.
Your pet peeves point to your core values.
Let me explain. Often when we find ourselves saying yes to things we don’t actually want to say yes to, it’s because we don’t have a strong sense of our core values.
Many of us never take time to think about the principles that actually motivate our choices and decisions. But when we find ourselves burnt out it can sometimes be because:
1) We’ve never reflected on what should be guiding our decisions, or
2) We are struggling to balance the inward tugging of two or more things that we really value.
So here’s how it might look.
One of my biggest peeves is laziness, which points to how much I value productivity. Problem is, one of my other core values is meaningful relationships. So sometimes my desire to be productive in tasks conflicts with my desire to spend time with the people I love. At Christmas, I really enjoy making little gifts for the wonderful people in my life, but sometimes I get so busy doing that, my quality time with those very people is affected. The answer? Simplify, or start putting together presents much earlier. (I Haven’t quite mastered this tension yet, by the way 😂)
How about you?
😡 Maybe your pet peeve is rudeness, in which case one of your highest values is respect.
😡 Or, if you detest snobbery, you may well cherish equality.
😡 If you don’t like people who break the rules, perhaps you really value structures and authority.
😡 If you really struggle when people are distracted by their phones, you may well esteem quality time above a lot of other things.
😡 If undone dishes, disorganised drawers etc really stress you out, you are a person who thrives on order, and is in tune with their environment.
😡 If you can’t condone lack of initiative, you prize self-motivation and taking the lead.
What do your pet peeves say about you? How can you avoid getting frustrated and burnt out?
Maybe you could think about what your core values are and how they could affect what you choose to say yes to in the future.
Or perhaps you could brainstorm new ways to balance out things that are important to you in your life.
Have you ever wondered, ‘Is what I’m doing making any difference whatsoever?’
Maybe you’re a parent trying to extract yet more endless patience from somewhere inside you. You find yourself guiltily longing for someone – anyone – to acknowledge the sacrifices you willingly make every hour, on the hour. In those moments, you don’t see the well-rounded adults your children could become as a result of your long-suffering.
Or, perhaps you’re working super hard at your job and you feel unappreciated and undervalued. You’re ploughing through endless amounts, but you feel like what you do isn’t making a tangible difference to others. All you seem to be getting back are problems and complaints. You don’t see the customers whose day you make brighter with your smile; the colleague who needed your kindness that day; or the manager who is secretly inspired by your work ethic.
It could be that you’re a teacher who invests huge amounts of time, emotions and creativity with seemingly very little appreciation in return. You’re pouring out day after day, but you feel taken for granted. You don’t see how instrumental your efforts are to the confidence those kiddies will have when they grow up.
Maybe you feel discouraged by the lack of ‘likes’ or ‘shares’ you receive on social media platforms. You feel unpopular and unnoticed. But you don’t see the person who was feeling stressed out and low until they read your post, or listened to that encouragement you put out there.
Let me encourage you today never to measure the fruit of your labours or the impact of your life only by what you see.
Because what you see is only the tip of the iceberg.
I had an experience recently which was weird and encouraging all at the same time. I’d written a poem and had messaged it to a WhatsApp group I was part of. A few days later I got a message from someone saying – ‘A friend from Scotland sent me this; it really encouraged me; I hope it encourages you too.’ I read the message, only to find out that it was, in fact, my own poem. Bizarre! I never would have found out it had been shared all around the country if this lady had not sent it on to me, not knowing I had written it.
This funny coincidence taught me something important. We will never know the true extent of how our lives impact others. This shouldn’t prevent us from continuing to pour ourselves out – on the contrary – it makes it all the more important to keep doing those seemingly insignificant things to bless others, because cumulatively they make an immeasurable difference.
I was thinking this week in particular about the influence teachers and leaders have over our lives.
🍎 I still remember my P1 teacher’s smile. It made me feel like she was happy to see me. It made me feel like I was loveable!
✏️ Then there was my wonderful English teacher at secondary school, who impacted me forever when she identified a gift for writing in me and encouraged me to pursue it. Her affirmation was a huge part of me having the confidence to step out and do it.
🍔 I’m also forever grateful to one youth leader in particular, who drove me to youth group every Sunday night for seven years, and sat with all of us in McDonald’s afterwards. He showed me commitment and practical love by example. Cumulatively, He modelled what it was like to walk through life with someone and watch them grow.
👱🏻👨🏻🦰 Or my mum and dad, whose effervescent wisdom has led me through so many complex and difficult situations in my life. I take their principles and values with me everywhere I go.
What an investment! You can’t express it, encapsulate it or define it. It’s immeasurable, unquantifiable, incalculable. It’s the shaping and forming and moulding of the life of another, through the little loving and selfless things you do everyday – consistently and generously.
Often you’ll not find out about how these seemingly insignificant acts made a difference until much later, and sometimes never.
And remember, for every one positive message you have received, there are many that you didn’t, and many people whose lives have been powerfully influenced by your presence.
So, whether your invest your energies, encouragements and investments in:
📚 life-long learning
💖 contagious kindness
👧 positive self image
👊 hope in despair
💷 Relief to poverty
💪 endurance in weariness
… keep going! You may not see all the results, but Van Gogh couldn’t have dreamed how the world would be enriched by his paintings 🖼, Beethoven couldn’t have envisaged how people all over the globe would be soothed by his sonatas 🎶; and Anne Frank never imagined how many people would read her diary 📔.
They only saw the tip of the iceberg, and so do we.
Let’s live with the great expanse under the water in mind.
Anyone else’s kids in the process of writing their Christmas wish lists?
Last night I realised – with exactly a month to go until Christmas – it was probably as good a time as any to get started, so I got the toy catalogue out, took a deep breath, and began the process. Writing Santa lists feels a bit like going down a rabbit hole, doesn’t it? Young kids have no idea what’s good for them sometimes, or even a concept of what things cost.
But this time, it all went a bit predictably- at least it did at first.
Zoë: [jumping up and down with excitement] ‘I want an Our Generation doll! Yes, that one with the glasses – she’s called Avril!’ 👧
Eden: [gasp] ‘Wow, look at that dragon!’ 🐉’
Zoë: [chomping at the bit] ‘No wait, I want that jungle Lego set… I do, I do, I do!’ 🌴
Eden: [pointing wildly in no particular direction] ‘Look at that dinosaur!!’ 🦖
Me: ‘Ok, girls, you can each choose two things from the catalogue. Deal?’
Zoë- ‘Deal!!’ 👍
But just then, Eden says, ‘mummy, I want to give you a cuddle.’
Hugging her close, I said, ‘Aww thanks, Eden, what’s that for?’
‘Because mummy, YOU are my present’ 🎁
Aww, my heart. 💓
And what a wonderful reminder, just at the right time.
In all the fun and chaos of getting ready for Christmas this year, remember this:
YOU are the gift your kids will love most this year. Your love, your attention, your affection. Your presence is the best present.
🎁 They’ll forget by this time next year all the gifts they received, but they’ll never forget how you make them feel.
🎁 They’ll enjoy the fun of unwrapping what’s under the tree, but they’ll never forget what values they saw unfolded before them as they grew up.
🎁 They’ll receive your gifts with joy and excitement, but nothing will compare with the joy of loving parents cheering them on, and being an effervescent support underneath and around them in life.
But one thing I’m going to try to do most intentionally this year – besides offering Zoë and Eden the best of myself – is to keep reminding them of a Gift far beyond myself. A Gift that surpasses the best I could ever offer. A gift that cost more than any other. The One whose presence brings joy unspeakable. The One who offers life abundant and free.
Have you been having vivid dreams lately? If so, you’re not alone. Since March of this year, people all over the world have reported having intense and unusual dreams on a regular basis. Contagion, social distancing, health dilemmas and relational strains are just some of the things the world has been dreaming about.
Sleep experts tell us that dreams are a way of working out our deepest concerns on a sub conscious basis. The pandemic has disrupted our schedules, and has made the unconscious more alive to us than ever.
But many of us have been thinking about life dreams during this time, too. Often the deepest dreams our hearts carry exist only beneath the surface for much of our lives. Many times we never take time to deliberately examine or explore them. The uncertainty of the last few months has prompted many of us to take stock and take steps towards fulfilling some of those inner desires that we’ve harboured deep in our hearts.
💓 Some have discovered dreams to be stay at home parents and are exploring whether they could live on one wage as a result.
💓 Some have started to put our talents out there and share them with those around; from crafts, to cupcakes, to original music.
💓 Some are on their way to becoming foster or adoptive parents.
💓 Others have realised they need a career change and are currently re-training online, or have gone self-employed.
💓Still others have decided to move towards major lifestyle changes, like moving to the seaside, for example.
It’s well known by now that some of the biggest regrets people have at the end of their lives are not doing more for others, not working at relationships, not spending more time with family, living according to others’ expectations, not finding fulfilment and not pursuing their dreams.
Do you sense dreams burning in your heart but don’t know where to start?
Here are some questions that might help you do just that.
1. What do you love doing?
So many of us think of work as work and free time as doing what we enjoy. But what is it that gives you goosebumps when you think about it? What makes you laugh harder than you’ve ever laughed before? If you have any kind of opportunity to make those things your work as well, make it happen!
2. What would yougladly do for free?
Take time to consider what, if you didn’t have to work to financially support yourself, you would do for free? If money wasn’t a consideration, what would you contribute? What could you innovate? Who would you love to help? And how could you reshuffle your priorities to make room for those things?
3. Who do you love?
Most times your personal dreams will involve those closest to you. Think about who is top priority in your life and move from there.
Your family is irreplaceable and precious.
Good friends are rare jewels that need looked after and cherished.
But there are also those you feel ‘called’ to invest in. Who is most heavy on your heart? The orphan? The poor? The enslaved? The abused? The homeless? The elderly? Never let those who are closest to your heart become a fringe priority, because you are burdened for them for a good reason.
4. What do people say they love about you?
If you are having a hard time identifying your best character traits, talents and gifts, write down what others have identified in you. Do your friends say you are generous and giving? Do they admire your creativity and passion? When you’re having a hard time finding the gold within you, let others call it out.
A list of dreams
Put all these things together and make a list of dreams. Here are five from my top ten, for example:
💭 I dream of writing things that encourage, heal and bless others.
💭 I dream of walking alongside hurting people until they reach wholeness.
💭 I dream of inviting people to stay in our home so they can have a real rest.
💭 I dream of having a close relationship with my kids when they reach adolescence and adulthood
💭 I dream that my friends will feel part of my family
If you had one day left to live,
What would you say, and what would you give?
If this moment was your last on earth,
What dreams would you dream, what ideas would you birth?
This time has cut comfort with a knife
And taught us of the fragility of life.
But it’s also brought what’s important to mind
To love, give and serve – and most importantly – be kind.
‘Mummy, it really hurts me in my tummy when other people are sad.’
Zoë’s wee eyes filled up out of the blue last night. Concerned, I asked her what had happened.
She described how she had seen someone in her class hurt her friend’s feelings.
‘But they didn’t hurt you, pet.’
‘I know, but I felt it.’
‘I know how you feel, honey.’
[And I really do.]
Soak it up
Looks like Zoë has inherited her sensitive nature from me. There’s a reason I don’t watch the news regularly or read too many traumatic stories on Facebook: I’m a super-sponge for emotions. Sometimes the intensity of feeling is so heavy it’s as though I’m staggering under the weight. When there’s tension in the room, I feel it in my head. When there’s sadness all around, I feel it in my gut.
Yes, it’s a gift to be able to empathise, but I’d love to be able to rein it in a little more often – especially when I’m trying to sing at a funeral or comfort someone without breaking down. I also feel intense stress when I see a need but don’t have the resources or energy to respond as I’d like.
So many of us are experiencing this at the moment with all the difficulties that COVID has precipitated, and in witnessing the suffering of so many in all kinds of ways.
Yet those in caring roles have always had to manage what psychologists call vicarious trauma.
Vicarious trauma is the emotional residue that is left when we become witnesses to the fear, hurt and wounds of others.
Over time, we can absorb this to such an extent that it just becomes too heavy; we lose our ability to carry any more and we start to feel the negative effects of it in our life.
💤 Disturbed sleep
👀 No concentration
😔 Low motivation
So if you’re like me and you’re a bit of an emotional sponge, here’s some things you can do to make sure you don’t experience the above symptoms too often.
Let it out (gently)
When you squeeze a sponge, it instantly feels lighter and it gets some of its bounce back. However hard it feels, talk to someone you trust about what you’re carrying. Don’t open up to people who won’t listen sensitively; you don’t want to expose yourself to more pain. But if you share with a gentle and tactful person, You’ll feel so much lighter and you might even get that spring in your step back.
Hang it up (temporarily)
Everyone needs a break, sometimes. A sponge is made to tend, to wash, and to cleanse. But sometimes it just needs to be hung up and dried out before it becomes useful again.
It’s the same with us. There are moments we need to feel the breath of the wind on our cheeks and get a bit of space around us to feel ready for the next step. Don’t feel bad about that. You’re not lazy or hard hearted, you’re just refuelling.
Rinse off (regularly)
If you don’t give your sponge a rinse now and again, you’ll get nasty mildew and mould going on.
What de-stresses you? A walk? A shower? A coffee with a friend? Time to blog or journal? It’s amazing how a little time to rinse off the grit of the day can refresh you and reduce the pressure of feeling intense feelings non stop.
Don’t get wrung out
… or should I say, wound up. When you waste your emotional energy on the wrong things, you won’t have anything left for the right things. I can be so guilty of this sometimes. Ask yourself, will this stressor matter in five years time? If not, limit the amount of emotional energy you invest in it.
Fit for purpose
So if you’re a sponge, celebrate it as a gift! You’ve been designed that way for a purpose. But remember, you gotta take care of yourself or you’ll become rough around the edges and of no use to anyone!
‘For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven…’
I looked out my kitchen window yesterday and noticed an apple or two still on my tree.
It looked like they were just clinging on for dear life, just hanging on by a single twig.
Anyone else feel a bit like that these days? Sometimes I feel like I’m holding on by the skin of my fingertips to those ‘summer’ days long past.
🍎 The days where hugs weren’t a memory and crowds weren’t a hazard.
🍏 The days of dinner parties and cosy movie nights with friends.
🍎 The days of indoor play dates and real life music concerts.
🍏 The days when you could hold someone who was grieving and visit someone who was sick.
When I was a kid one of the rides I hated most was ‘the Waltzer.’ We used to go to the fairground at Ballywalter when I was staying at my granny’s caravan, and my cousins would persuade me to go on that ride.
As the button was pressed and our car began to spin freely while rotating around a centre point, I still remember that dizzy feeling of clinging on for dear life, closing my eyes, stomach churning, and willing it to be over.
The thing is, looking back now, wanting to feel safe and secure robbed me of the enjoyment of that ride, every time! I should have just joined in with my cousins’ laughter and embraced it for what it was.
You see, trying to cling on to the past can cost us dearly.
If that little apple on my tree would just let go and drop gently to the ground, it would release nutrients to the ground to prepare the tree for its next bumper crop.
But if it stays attached to the branch too long, it could attract bacterial, fungal, and viral diseases that might ultimately kill my whole tree.
It can be a bit like that for us, too.
I wonder, can we gently release that friendship that the other person has ended long ago – before it becomes detrimental to our souls?
Can we release the hurt someone’s words caused us – before it begins to taste bitter?
Might we let go of the ‘old’ imperfect normal and embrace a new one, however different it might be from what we imagined? Can we do this before nostalgia threatens to steal our joy in the present altogether?
If we keep clinging on to what we can’t get back, we will find only decay and stagnation.
But if we allow ourselves to free fall into the unknown, we could fall into new ways of nourishing and enriching others. We might even discover that our influence spreads as we allow our lives to become fruitful in a different way.
The nineties are gone, but they are not forgotten.
It was my golden era.
Coming from the depths of the African jungle, I cut my teeth in British society during this decade. Forget swinging from trees and collecting grasshoppers, I was now making up dance routines in my garage- and I thought I was the bees knees!
And yet, nostalgia is such that when things seem too good to be true, they probably are. And so instead of looking back at this decade with rose tinted glasses, it’s worth laughing about some of the idiosyncrasies about it, too.
The radio pop chart on a Sunday
When you’ve lived in the West African bush for years, your exposure to popular culture is limited, to say the least. I’ve always been a researcher- so as an anthropological exercise (well, actually to try to develop some street cred), I listened religiously to the charts on a Sunday afternoon so I could learn some names of bands and impress my new buddies.
Well, trying to record songs from the radio on an ancient tape recorder is hard work. If you miss the cue, you’re sunk. There’s no second chances.
Also, we were always on the way to church during the top ten, which was less than ideal. Then of course my dad would switch to Classic FM on a whim or turn the engine off when we arrived (I mean, did he not understand how important this was??)- and inevitably I would miss out on who had taken the top spot.
Ah well – I’ve still not figured out the street cred thing anyway.
Anyone else think these were the BEST THING EVER at the time?
I mean, I had a whole suite in my single bedroom. I think I even stretched to a pouffee at one point that I got as a gift in SHOUT magazine. This flexible furniture was great for entertaining friends; that is, until you inevitably got a puncture or leak. Heartbreaking times. Those things weren’t great quality, to be fair.
But do not despair- just in case you thought it was gone forever… inflatable furniture is now making a comeback! We can now all look forward once again to the beautiful plastic fragrances and the comfort of thigh tacky PVC!
Ironing your hair
Frizzy hair? Who needs straighteners? Why not use an actual iron? The pluses… you already have one in the house and they certainly get the hair straight as a die.
My friends and I used to walk to corner shop vainly swinging our long and luscious locks behind us. However, burn marks in the carpet and scars on your face were a hard price to pay- not to mention a few singed ends from time to time.
I think my bestie still has a mark on her floor to tell the tale…
The Spice Girls
I mean, who doesn’t want to get platforms on and dress up as a pop star? The worst thing is, though, when you look nothing like any of them you end up fighting with your friends according to which one you want to be like.
In my head I was most suited to be sweet and pretty baby spice, when in fact I was probably more of a feisty ginger spice at heart. Now, when you look back, it’s amusing to think – how did we spend so much time wondering if we were more Baby, Scary, Posh, Ginger or Sporty… I mean, was it ever really cool to wear an upcycled Union Jack-emblazoned tea towel? Hindsight is a wonderful (and cringeworthy) thing. Especially when you are doing performance to no one – in front of a mirror – on a handmade stage in your garage.
I dare you to get out some of those old videos of you dancing with friends and have a good old laugh at yourself.
I remember the good old days when you could actually get ten sweets for ten pence. Forget sleep-deprived, I was severely sweet-deprived in Africa, where the chewy sweets always seemed to taste like soap and the Mars bars smelled of plastic because they had melted and re-hardened so many times. We had tuck shop at boarding school once a month, and the selection was limited.
‘You only ate sweets once a month?’ I hear you gasp in horror.
Yep. Pretty much!
So imagine my delight the first day I saw a pick and mix counter. The joy was unspeakable, the excitement palpable. It wasn’t an anti-climax, either.
Nowadays, you take your ten sweets in a stripey bag, and just because you got to choose them yourself you’re charged a fiver for it. No wonder all the grown ups monopolise the pick and mix carts at weddings. They know a good opportunity when they see one!
Currently trying to think of something bad about 10p mixups actually being 10p…
What do you miss about the nineties? And is it actually as good as you remember? Should we leave it there, or bring it back?
If there’s one thing that serves to humble me on a daily basis, it’s being a parent. One of the reasons for that is that things I vowed I’d never do before I became a mum tend to come back to haunt me…
🍰 Slice 1. ‘The kids will work around us’
It took me a ridiculously long time to come to terms with this one. But I’ve finally accepted that children are not actually as flexible as I thought they could be, and that it’s ok to work around them for a more peaceful life – especially when they are three and under.
I’ve always had a bad habit of attempting to accomplish too much, but some of the things I’ve tried to do with babies in tow have – looking back – been completely unrealistic. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but if I could go back to the start, I’d be a lot kinder to myself, and to the little ones too.
🍰 Slice 2. ‘I will honour every social commitment I make.’
Before the girls came along I was a stickler for arrangements. No matter what happened, if I said I’d be there, I would be there.
What I didn’t count on were the new variables of wakeful nights, daytime naps and unforeseen sickness.
Maybe there are some babies out there that never get sick, sleep on command and always fit effortlessly into their parents’ schedule, but this is pretty far from our experience, I’ll tell you.
If you don’t facilitate naps, it’s often not worth taking them out at all. Grouchy toddlers are no fun for anyone. If I’ve slept a total of two hours, I’m not going to be able to be the life and soul of the party either. Sometimes it’s just better for everyone to reschedule.
It also helps the frustration levels if you can hold arrangements loosely, because as life would have it, as soon as you plan something, the kids inevitably get sick. In short, before kids I was convinced I wouldn’t sacrifice my plans for my little people. Boy was I wrong!
🍰 Slice 3. ‘I’ll never let them watch screens’ (or at least only educational programmes.)
Ha. Ha. Ha.
In this day and age, this goal is a pipe dream. Keeping screen usage down is a continual battle in our house. The more tired you are and the earlier your kids get up, the harder it is to be disciplined about this.
Yes, I have endured many episodes of the psychedelic and completely random Night garden. I’ve also watched random kids playing with barbies on YouTube who somehow have managed to get millions of views despite their mindless chats and awful accents.
Screen time has reaped some unexpected benefits, however. At bedtime prayers, Eden has been known to thank God for things I didn’t even know she knew existed. Turns out ‘Blaze and the Monster Machine’ taught her what kinetic energy was. Who knew?
🍰 Slice 4. ‘I’ll never let them have sugar.’
This, my friends, is one hundred percent mission impossible; at least in Northern Ireland, where we live.
Even if you decide not to give your children sweets, other people will; most of the time without asking. The old lady at the park, the shopkeeper, Kids’ clubs … you name it. It’s almost like children have ‘give me sweets’ written on their foreheads. At Halloween, it’s candy apples and trick or treat collections, at Christmas it’s selection boxes, at Easter it’s Easter eggs, and in the summer it’s ice lollies and candy floss.
The only way we have been able to have some control over this is to limit portion sizes to ‘one in each hand.’ But we know that won’t last long…
🍰 Slice 5. ‘I’ll never make empty threats’
‘Bye! We’re leaving without you!’
(Which of course, you can never actually do.)
‘If you don’t do x… we’ll tell the babysitters not to come.’
(and before you know it, you’ve cost yourself a date night out.)
The whole consequences thing is draining and tedious. We all know in our heads consistency is key. But we are doing this drill day in day out, and in the heat of the moment, threats that actually cost you more than they cost them tend to slip out.
So do I follow through every time? No, I don’t. It’s an unfortunate reality, but reality all the same.
Slice 6 🍰 ‘They won’t eat things I haven’t already paid for at the shop’ 😂
I used to think when I saw kids opening a packet of crisps before they got to the till – ‘like can’t your children wait just another ten minutes?’
Let me tell you, ten minutes is a long time when the baby is wailing and the hungry toddler is whining. I’ve now lost count of the times I’ve opened a multipack just to get me through the last aisle at Tesco. Let’s be clear though, I do pay for it at the till!
🍰 Slice 7. ‘My children will only drink water’
Well that’s ok, if they will actually drink water. If they won’t allow it to pass their lips, you’re choosing between juice and dehydration.
Five years into this parenting thing, I’d rather have a child who drinks than doesn’t. Zoë prefers water over juice; at times Eden will only drink juice. But the phase passes, and really, there’s bigger battles to worry about.
🍰 Slice 8. ‘I won’t bore people by talking about my kids’
For years, I struggled with conversation about nappies and sleep and milestones etc. Every time I started talking about that stuff, I either felt like I was being boring or that somehow I was losing my ability to have intellectually stimulating conversation.
Now, I realise that yes, I am a mummy, my girls are a big part of my world, and as long as I am sensitive about who I am speaking to, I don’t need to feel apologetic for the fact that my kids are a major part of my life.
I’d start to get worried if they were the only thing I talked about, but neither do I need to try to avoid talking about them.
🥧 Humble pie ain’t so bad after all!
Is it hard to have these myths busted on a daily basis? Sure it is. But all in all, perhaps eating a slice or two of humble pie regularly isn’t a bad thing. It keeps us grounded, normal and a whole lot less judgey. And truth be told, I’m starting to enjoy the taste.
I visited the drive thru at KFC with the kids the other day. It was one of the first days it had opened after lockdown, so the queue was massive. Unfortunately, this created a bit of difficulty for the people trying to get in and out of the carpark. Or so I realised, when I found myself sandwiched between two cars, and a very grumpy looking lady started blaring her horn at me to move.
Instantly, I could feel the irritation rising up in me.
‘Can’t you see I can’t go anywhere?’ I mouthed.
I gestured rather self-righteously at a way for her to mount the kerb around me.
She wound down her window. Uh oh.
‘Love, I’m not going over the kerb and wrecking my wheels. You’re blocking my way. You need to reverse.’
Under pressure now, I tried to manoeuver my way out, but my reverse parking sensors started to blare. I raised my arms helplessly.
‘Look lady, I’m a lorry driver. I know what I’m doing, I’ll direct you out.’
And so slowly, and painfully, I did a 50 point turn with the whole place watching.
By this stage, I was seething. But then she had the cheek to say, ‘Try not to block any other customers now, won’t you?’
The steam coming out my ears by now. I was just about to give off, when Zoë piped up, ‘Wasn’t that so kind of that woman to take the time to help us out?’
It reminded me of the question that changed my life a few years back. The question that helped me not live my own life according to my own exacting standards or expect the same from others.
What would happen if I assumed the best?
What would happen if I gave this person the benefit of the doubt?
Or, put another way, what is the most generous assumption I can make about this person right now?
Let me tell you, I was not feeling generous towards that woman at KFC. But in her childlike simplicity, Zoë reminded me in that moment that I could at least be hypothetically generous.
So… what if this woman’s general manner just happened to be brusque, and she was actually being helpful?
Hmm, that was perhaps a bit of a stretch. But what if she was late to an appointment already and my lack of basic observational skills was stressing her out? Yes, that was more likely. Ok, I’d probably feel the same in that situation. So I just need to breathe and let it go.
You see the difference the question makes? In your head it transforms someone from being rude and ignorant to harassed and stressed. That may or may not be the case, but starting from the positive helps you deal with the situation in a much more constructive way.
Are you finding yourself scratching your head or frustrated by the way someone is acting?
You might not be feeling like giving them the benefit of the doubt, but you could start with a hypothetical question.
For example, if someone overtakes you on the motorway at what you consider to be a dangerous speed, your first reaction will often be, ‘How irresponsible!’ (That’s the clean version). I wonder would you feel differently about their behaviour if you discovered they had an injured person in the car or were rushing to hospital to visit a dying relative? You’d find yourself praying for them rather than glaring at them.
Or, if you need an employee to answer an urgent work matter and they aren’t picking up, instead of getting annoyed or frustrated you could think, ‘Well, to be generous I might assume that this person had a family emergency and therefore couldn’t respond to me when I needed them to. I wonder are they ok?’ Now you’re concerned instead of cross.
Or perhaps your friend continually cancels meet-ups last minute, and you assume they can’t be bothered. I wonder if you knew they’d been suffering from panic attacks for months, and hadn’t plucked up the courage to tell anyone yet? Instead of taking it personally, you’d be asking them what you could do to help, wouldn’t you?
See how simply asking the right question could change the whole dynamic of the situation, as well as your own mood, at least until you find out what’s really going on?
Maybe it’s time to stop evaluating people based on what we think they should accomplish, and start respecting them for who they are. As Brené Brown puts it, our lives immediately become better when we “work from the assumption that everyone is doing the best they can.” This assumption may not always be correct, but neither are the negative judgements we can make so quickly.
Everyone is fighting battles we know nothing about. If we can practice choosing kindness and generosity, we will become kinder and generous people all around. If we assume the best, we become better.
So the next time someone does something that makes your blood boil, try asking yourself that question, and see if it doesn’t help you cool down and chill out.
Ok, so this isn’t one of my proudest parenting moments. But I’m going to share it because no doubt most of us will have to go through this rigmarole at some point in the next few months, and as well as being mildly amusing (only in hindsight, I assure you), let this be a warning not to promise rewards in the moment you aren’t willing to deliver on; you may regret it.
A lot of you parents will already be familiar with the current dilemma – your child develops a cold, then starts coughing, so you need to get them tested before they can go back to school or attend doctor’s appointments.
This happened with Eden a few weeks back. I was desperate for her not to miss any more school, so the test got booked. The day started out well; we chatted lightheartedly about a little ‘tickle’ up the nose, then the plan was to do a McDonald’s smoothie as a treat afterwards.
Let me tell you, the half-hour drive to the test centre was the ‘smoothiest’ part of that day (couldn’t resist the pun, sorry 😂). We got there, they gave me the test kit, and I read the instructions in blissful ignorance. ‘Take your time,’ they assured me. ‘There’s no rush. If you need any help, just put your hazards on.’
‘Pfft, who needs help?’ I thought. ‘I’ve got this!’
Theangry cat 😾
It was just myself and the girls in the car. ‘Ach, we’ll have a wee girls’ day out,’ I’d thought (uncharacteristically optimistically).
But my first mistake (of many) was not bringing Daddy with us, because as soon as Eden laid eyes on that cotton bud, she morphed from her usual cuddly kitten self into an angry tom cat in the front seat beside me. Back arched, reversing, growling, immediately she began swatting her little paws at me.
Oops, there goes the swab.
Red face. New swab New tactic.
‘Right Eden, here is a sweet, you may eat the sweet WHILE I put this stick up your nose, got it?’
Eden stuffed her sweet into her mouth, but as soon as I moved the cotton bud in her direction she melted into a puddle of tears and flopped herself down so far in her seat that the sweet strategy became logistically impossible.
The kind attendant saw the chaos, came over and tried to sweet talk her into it. All he got were frowns and grimaces. He suggested we come back another day. I assured him we’d get there eventually.
The wailing (brick) wall 😭
He suggested I let her watch a programme on my phone. That got the swab up for two seconds, but then pure chaos descended. Eden literally threw herself about the car, crying as hard as she knew how. By that stage, I was crying too. Zoë just kept saying, ‘my ears hurt, my ears hurt, my ears hurt,’ over and over. We had hit a (wailing) brick wall.
Desperation descended. All reason went out the window. Eden had flung herself into the back in an attempt to escape my clutches, so I had to clamber, (very awkwardly I’ll add, since I wasn’t allowed to exit the car), into the back seat, and plead with her:
‘Honey, we’ll go to McDonald’s and you can get a muffin if you’d like.’ ‘Sweetheart, you can pick a toy in the shop.’ ‘Pet, do you see the other GOOD children in the car park who aren’t making a fuss?’ ‘Look, there’s a unicorn in the sky!’
I tried pinning her down. She was too strong. I tried telling her off. She was past it.
By now we had been there two hours. Yes, TWO hours.
I was done.
‘Eden, what do you want most in the whole wide world?
Will you put this up your nose if I give you a hamster?
Ten seconds and the test was done.
I beeped my horn and the man came over.
‘Wow,’ he said, ‘you are one persistent mummy. Most people would have given up long ago. Well done.’
I just smiled through the watery eyes. I’d been humiliated enough. He didn’t have to know about the hamster, really.
And it’s a good job I didn’t tell him.
Because I was about to get even more embarrassed. We’d been sitting there that long with the music on that my car battery had gone flat. So a whole team of COVID test centre employees had to push my car so I could jump start my way home.
What a day.
And now, I have to deliver on my promise. Soon a hamster will be joining our family. Good job we’ve already got a name. If he’s a boy, he can be Covid. If she’s a girl, Corona works quite nicely.
What’s the moral of the story?
In the heat of the moment – no matter how bad it gets – never promise what you’re not willing to deliver on. Because it may just come back to bite you 😂
Most of us are able to look at the chaos in the kids’ bedrooms or playroom and laugh it off, roll our eyes, or even sigh and shut the door.
Most of the time, that is.
There are moments, though, when it all just gets too much. We step on a plastic pineapple or a stray piece of Lego and we snap. Out of nowhere, a stream of threats come thick and fast…
‘You better watch or the hoover will get your toys,’
‘Those things will be going into the roof space if they don’t get put away, fast!’
We’ve got a running joke with a friend – affectionately named ‘Auntie Beth’ – that she ‘will come around some day with her bin bag when you’re not there, and if she finds these toys on the floor, into her bin bag they’ll go!’
Shame on us, eh? Maybe none of you make those kinds of threats 😉 But if the mess is getting you down, here’s six reasons to not be too down in the dumps about it.
1. This is normal
Mess is totally normal. Let’s face it – what most people’s houses look like on Instagram is not what they look like from day to day. Especially those with young children.
There are those who thrive on tidy and are experts at it. But they are few and far between.
So if you find odd socks and toast mixed in with your duplo once in a while, it’s fine.
2. Mess may be in the genes
Yes, you can ‘train a child up in the way they should go,’ but I’m not entirely sure this totally applies to messiness. Bill nicknamed me ‘Cinders’ when we first met. My mum was very thorough in preparing me for life; we did lots of chores and tidied up regularly. But am I still messy? Yes, I am.
Actually, now most child psychologists agree that messiness is predominantly an innate personality trait. That’s why, from an early age, children will usually lean either towards lining up and organising their toys, or dumping them out on the floor.
What’s the lesson here? Do your best to train them, certainly, but don’t think you’re failing if they don’t always catch on.
3. Youmay beteachingindependence
At one point in my early teens, my mum gave up nagging me to tidy and let my room become my responsibility. At that point, I got creative and enlisted help from my childhood bestie. Suddenly, tidying became lots more fun! We played games while sorting through all the stuff and letting my gerbils run wild in the midst of it.
Are you ready to give up on keeping on top of the clutter? Look on the bright side. At an appropriate age, allowing independence in this area can actually pay dividends.
4. Learningis messy sometimes
Maybe learning is actually a messy process. Some mums crack up when the toys are mixed up. But what if the Disney princesses wanted to go to the aquarium that day? Kids don’t play by manufacturers’ rules when they play. The world is their oyster. Let them play with more than one thing at a time, if their scenario requires it. After all, their play is their work, and their work is their learning.
5. You learn to function in mess
Ever heard the phrase, when a room is cluttered, your mind is cluttered? That is true, to an extent. Mess can negatively affect your mental well being, but only over a prolonged period of time. And maybe it’s partly because, especially in Northern Ireland – mess has such a stigma attached to it.
I remember the houses I loved going to the most as a kid. And I’ll be honest, they were the ones where mess was ok. Where your imaginative scenarios weren’t interrupted. Where you were given freedom.
A little untidiness from time to time can actually help you feel comfortable in a range of environments. Win win!
This one is really important to remember. Order is nice. It makes us feel capable and in control. But sometimes disorder is beautiful too.
Like when the leaves fall from the trees and gather in a heap of fiery hues. Breathtakingly disordered.
If creation itself is messy, then it’s not a bad thing if our homes are from time to time.
Don’t mind the mess!
If kids are always pressured to put a toy away after they are finished, then maybe the play adventure ends before it’s supposed to.
Depending on my mood these days, I usually just leave the playroom now until just before bed, where the tidy up song is played.
Recently I’ve also put half of the toys in the roof space, and plan to do a switch in a month’s time. That’s why even the messiest it gets won’t be as messy as it could get.
Whatever your approach to mess, at the end of it all remember that one day you’ll miss that mess and the memories it created. Really, you will!
Watching the live news updates on BBC the last few nights, I’ve been struck by the disparity of the comments, coming one after the other.
I’ve felt the force of the frustration and the upset of the unknown.
I’ve felt pity for the leaders speaking; human beings who are trying to do their best at an impossible balancing act, but who have become the targets of collective anger.
I’m feeling for the people who are feeling the loss of livelihoods. I feel the fear of business owners who don’t know if they will survive this time round.
I am devastated for special needs families who have gone so long now without vital support. They must be on their knees with weariness.
I feel the disappointment of those who have weddings coming up and for whom everything is up in the air. Should they postpone or forgo their once-in-a-lifetime dreams? It feels like an impossible decision to me.
I feel afraid for domestic abuse sufferers who are indefinitely confined to their private nightmares. Where can they escape to now?
I am gutted for grievers who are not feeling the physical presence of those mourning with them. How can they cope without someone to hold them close?
I am disappointed for our kids who have just got into a routine of education only for it to be unsettled again.
The struggle is real. The challenges are closer than ever, for so many.
And yet, I find myself dreaming… longing and praying, with:
Hope that we will stop allowing ourselves to be so divided by our opinions
All of us can so easily fall into the trap of callously labelling and categorising people. This is not a case of the ‘faith-filled versus the fearful.’ Or the ‘reckless versus the ‘responsible.’ Or the ‘selfless versus the selfish.’ All of us have good days, and bad. Days where we make wise choices, others where we make the wrong ones. Days when we are fearful, and days when we are brave.
So often we are so consumed by what separates us that we forget what we all share. We all have in common the human condition of being finite and prone to weakness and frailty. If we acknowledge our shared finitude, we can be united in it and strengthened by the fact that, we are not alone. No one else gets it right all the time, either.
Hope that we will stop pointing the finger of judgment
Oh we are so good at judgment. Suspicious glances at the person behind us in the shop who is coughing. Shaking our heads in disapproval when we see guidelines aren’t being followed. Glaring at young people who aren’t ‘social distancing.’
We aren’t so good at self examination though. Whatever happened to the plank/s in my own eye? Please God, open my eyes to see what I need to fix in my own life before I become so focused on fixing other people’s behaviour.
Hope that we will see through the lens of compassion
I’ve loved some of the crowd funding initiatives I’ve seen on Facebook recently. Fundraising for operations. Dieting for charity. Climbing mountains for a good cause. Donating clothes for people in need. It’s amazing to see the compassion rise up in people as they understand and respond to genuine need.
And let me suggest that what we all need right now is a good dose of compassion.
Because when we look at one another with compassion, people cease to be an inconvenience, or a hindrance, or an irritation, or an enemy. They are just people. People with good points, great points, poor points and ugly points. People with a story. People who need grace, just like you and me.
What will this (very real) struggle bring out in you and me?
Yes, this time is super hard for everyone, for different reasons, and in very different ways. Crises have a potent power to divide. To intensify the judgmental tendencies within us. But challenges also have the potential to bring out compassion in us.
There’s a very special kind of plant that blooms in the aftermath of forest fires. It’s called the fire poppy. For fire poppy seeds, intense heat is their very signal to sprout.
What if, when we are under stress and duress, what bloomed in our life was compassion first, always, every time?
We are all human
We are all finding this hard
Let’s not label or point the finger
Let’s let this furnace bring out a blaze of compassion in us rather than a flame of judgment.
The struggle is real, but what will we let it bring out in us?
Today my wee Zoë is having follow-up surgery on her arm. She smashed the bone just under her elbow in June and had plates and screws installed. I wrote a post during her first operation – I’ll admit, it was partly to distract myself from pacing the corridors and going out of my mind.
This time around, she’s getting the metal work out. And just like last time, we’ve been pushed down the theatre list because higher priority cases came up.
Just like last time, Zoë has spent all day without eating or drinking.
But this time, I am able to be with her. And now, as she’s being operated on and I’m sitting on my own in the ward, I’ve found myself thinking, ‘what have I learned from the last time?’
Back in June, as she was being operated on and I was crying my eyes out in the carpark, I realised that resilience has very little to do with how you feel, but everything to do with how you respond.
This time round, I feel just as tense, just as helpless, and just as emotional. And yet I’m more at peace that this is simply a natural way to feel as a parent. How I choose to respond is much more important than my emotions. So this is what I’ve tried to do this time around.
If there’s one thing the last few months of this pandemic have taught us, it’s that things change all the time; often unpredictably, and not in the direction we’d like.
What in the world can we do? The only thing we can do. Go with the flow.
Back in June, I became so frustrated that the timescales kept shifting and the plans kept changing. But this time, I chose to let reality be reality, accept it and look at the big picture. We are not the only priority for the medics caring for us, and they are doing it beautifully. So we just make the best of it; and that’s what we’ve been doing today:
⁃ Playing tic tac toe
⁃ Practicing writing our letters
⁃ Colouring in countless mermaids
⁃ Working through an activity book
⁃ Enjoying some crafts
⁃ Drawing pictures for the nurses
⁃ Playing memory games
⁃ Practising some rhyming flash cards
⁃ Modelling putty
⁃ Listening to music
⁃ Watching programmes
Each time Zoë asked, ‘When am I going for my operation?’ I responded as brightly as I could, ‘Hopefully soon!’ – and changed activity.
When things keep shifting, go with the flow.
2. Look for the gold
Let’s not forget that the purest gold is forged in furnace temperatures. When we are feeling the heat in life, the opportunity is presented for golden qualities to rise to the surface.
Now that’s she’s in theatre, I’ve realised that what has made me so happy inside today is how Zoë seemed completely unperturbed by the situation she found herself in. She smiled and made polite conversation with everyone, and was just a ‘delight,’ according to the anaesthetist’s assessment.
I’m realising again just how proud I am of my daughter and the joy and fun she brings to others’ worlds. I’ve also admired her maturity today about not being able to eat, as well as having to wait so long.
I’m sure many parents whose children are in hospital regularly find themselves feeling this immense pride over and over again- delight at the strength and beautiful characteristics that come out of them in those moments. It doesn’t mean they don’t have their sad, emotional, and even angry moments. But it does mean that the gold shines through them – even, and sometimes especially- in hard times.
In challenging times, look for the gold shining through in the people around you.
3. Take timeto dance
As the op was put back yet another hour today, wee Zoë started to flag. By now, she was super tired, and ravenously hungry.
Then I had a eureka moment.
It was time to dance.
I put on ‘The Nutcracker’ and her eyes lit up. She did a beautifully wholehearted (if slightly staggery) performance, and then (somewhat out of character), I jumped up and joined her of my own volition.
It was a good job the door of our side room was closed, because me doing ballet is not the most graceful sight to behold. Between the two of us there were more clumpy feet and disjointed timings than there were pointed toes and synchronisation. But as we swayed and she giggled, I thanked God once more for the beautiful relationship we have.
There’s days when we just gotta take time to dance (no matter how bad we are at it.) In fact, the hard days are the best days for it. For a split second, I forgot that we were in a hospital ward, and it was just me and my girl, painting our own beautiful moment in time.
I’ve just heard the wee pet is in recovery. And at the same time as remembering what it’s like to breathe deeply again… Here’s what I’m going to try to remember next time I’m in a situation anything like this:
…Go with the flow
…Look for the gold, and
…Take time to dance!
Are you facing a situation at the moment that you could affectionately name an ‘operation in resilience’? Have you been here before? If so, what lessons can you apply to right now?
One morning a few months ago (and there have been many since!), I pulled the covers over my head and said ‘No thank you’ to the new day. Yes, you heard me, this imperfect pastor’s wife does not always wake up warbling, ‘This is the day that the Lord has made,’ and neither do I always ‘rejoice and be glad in it.’
That day, my kids got the bleary-eyed, grumpy, uppity and woozy me- so much so, in fact, that they gave up trying to badger me out of bed, went downstairs on their own and made themselves chocolate porridge. I admired their independence, I have to say…
My kids keep finding reasons to get up early. I don’t really understand it, but they seem to waken earlier in winter, when it’s still dark and the street lamps are still lit. And especially the days when it’s pouring with rain!
The day before, it was 5 am because the tooth fairy had left a pound coin under the pillow.
That day, it was someone stealing someone else’s bed.
Tomorrow, it’ll be one child poking another awake and asking about dreams from the night before.
So, how do you make those groggy winter mornings a little more bearable? Here’s what we’ve tried these last few months. And believe me, we’ve needed all the pick-me-ups we could get!
1. Start the day with positive words
When your child, husband, or animal puts their freezing cold hands/paws on your face and wakes you up with a jolt, it’s a good idea not to say what you’re tempted to in that moment…
A better alternative might be, ‘Good morning- I love you! We are going to have a great day.’ See if it doesn’t make you feel a bit different! (I’ll have to try that one tomorrow 😊).
But if you need to follow that statement with, ‘But it’s still the middle of the night, so I’ll see you when it’s actually morning,’ that is more than acceptable.
2. Put on some music or an audio book
It’s amazing what listening to songs or stories can do for your mood and motivation. If you’re a parent, a happy tune or a sunny kids’ story often does the trick. Zoë can be really bouncy in the morning, but if you give her something to listen to, she’ll be more likely to concentrate on colouring in or doing something a bit calmer than talking non-stop or launching herself off the furniture.
Time for a coffee, I think!
3. Have a showerand get dressed
This one might seem obvious, but when you’re at home all day, it’s very tempting to stay in your pjs. My advice (from a wealth of experience) 😂 is, don’t! It’s remarkable how much better a shower and a fresh outfit can make you feel.
4. Lay out your clothes the night before
The days I am running around like a mad person looking for a missing school sock are not the most harmonious. I’ve started putting all our clothes out on the sofa just before I put the kids to bed. If you know everything is laid out and ready, you’ll immediately be more relaxed when you first open your eyes. In Instagram lingo, it might actually even make you feel more like the organised mom and less like scary mommy.
5. Don’t hit the snooze button
“Hitting the snooze button in the morning doesn’t even make sense. It’s like saying, “I hate getting up in the morning so I do it over and over and over again.” (Dimitri Martin, Comedian)
So many of us do this all the time, don’t we? But what’s the point! I’ve come to terms with the futility of this exercise. We are awake, so we might as well just be awake! Let’s not prolong the pain!
6. Set your heating to come on for wake-up time
This, my friend, is a very simple thing. But it can be a game changer. I remember growing up we lived in a big cold house in East Belfast. If you were freezing, you just put on a jumper. I still remember how cold the floor felt in the middle of winter. 🥶
Bill, on the other hand, grew up in a small, scorching house. He wore shorts in the middle of winter. Now, two having become one, we try to find a happy medium. The heating on in the morning but not much during the day we find to be a balanced approach, and makes crisp mornings much cosier all round.
How do you make cold winter mornings more bearable?
“Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.”
We’re all tired of screens, but we’re all also addicted to them. It’s making us sick. And tired, too.Here’s three tips for beating the digital blues.
‘Screen fatigue’ is a phrase we are hearing a lot these days. Employees are complaining of being exhausted after long online meetings. Some are loving online church, others struggle to stick with it. Meeting virtually keeps us connected, but we miss real people interactions. We enjoy seeing people’s faces, but we’re uncomfortable seeing our own staring back at us.
Some parents are stuck home with the kids isolating and are running out of other things to do. People whose income depends on online interaction find themselves sucked in 24 hours a day and longing for a break. And so the pendulum between screen fatigue and screen addiction swings back and forth until we are dizzy from it all.
The thing is, smart devices are useful. Too useful. They have calendars, internet banking, games, Amazon, Google, Zoom, social media platforms, Bible study apps – everything you need in your hand. For most people, they’re just too useful to set down altogether.
But it’s not just their usefulness that pulls us to constantly check our phones. It’s obligation. Work communications. Relational connections. Every time the phone buzzes, many of us feel like we have to reply right away. (If you don’t think that’s you, try not reaching for your phone when it buzzes. You may feel more uncomfortable than you thought you would!)
We all want to reduce how much tv we watch and the time we spend on social media. Yet as if it wasn’t challenging enough in ‘normal life’ to cut back on screen time, our ability to regulate our screen usage in the ‘new normal’ has become even further out of reach when we are required to work remotely, socialise online, and interact on school apps and Facebook pages.
Chatting to people, I’ve found that over lockdown they’ve often gone one way or the other; they’ve either put the phones away altogether because they found online stuff too draining- or else they’ve become more and more drawn in to the online world.
But what about the side effects of screen time?
I’ll be really honest here… the following is not an unfamiliar scenario in my house:
The stillness of the morning is broken by the shrill whine of child number 1 or 2, ‘I wanna watch something.’
The neighbours are then treated to a cacophonous crescendo of disagreement about what to watch:
‘Elsa and Anna’
‘Elsa and Annnnnaaa’
Mum groans while dad runs to intervene. Or vice versa.
Great start to the day, huh? Please tell me I’m not the only one??
I wonder, if we really considered the potential costs of too much screen usage for all of us, would this cause us to take more drastic action? Here’s what I notice in myself when I’m on my phone too much:
🤔 Lack of interest or concentration for other activities.
😴 Poor sleep quality
😬 Increased irritability
🤯 Increased anxiety levels
I’ll admit that I haven’t always been convinced screens make a huge difference to these things. But a while back I decided enough was enough when I started to look forward a little TOO much to those moments when some digital character was entertaining my kids, so I could sit in a quiet room with a coffee and a chocolate bar.
So we turned it all OFF. For a week. And let me tell you how enlightening this simple experiment was for us.
Day one. I braced myself for strong feelings and bad moods. In the morning, I explained that for all of us to have a wee break from screens, we wouldn’t be watching tv for a week. There was very little reaction. I planned a busy day; going to the park in the morning, meeting a friend in the afternoon.
Day two. I notice that our pace in the house had slowed down. I was actually getting chores done with the kids in tow. They were ‘helping’ unload the dishwasher and brushing the floor along with me.
Day three. My kids were covering boxes with their creative art, making all kinds of creations out of play dough. They were fighting 10x less a day, and were much more contented and well-mannered.
And I felt more relaxed too. I was letting my phone battery run out and stay off. I wasn’t repeatedly checking facebook or looking for the next of those addictive little red dots. I felt much more present, and I felt like they were too. It actually made me consider whether to ever go back to where we were.
But now, after six months in lockdown, some days we are there again. Agitated, distracted and not sleeping as well.
So here’s my plan for the month of October, along with some ideas that might be useful for you:
Limiting the amount of time you spend on devices in lots of little ways can add up to a lot of time!
📞 Take the Facebook app off your phone
⏰ Limit checking social media to x3 a day (after breakfast, after lunch, after dinner)
✅ Cut off the WiFi at 11 p.m. every night (for those of you with older kids, you can an download an app that allows you to shut off your kids’ phones remotely.)
🛌 Don’t use phone an hour before bed
🥰 Give yourself a reward for each of these goals you achieve!
Replace screen time with something good for your body, mind and soul!
📖 Read a chapter of a novel each night before bed
📅 Set a reminder for your daily devotions
🖊 Do a ‘brain dump’; write down your prayers, thoughts, feelings and worries at some point in the day.
🦆 Do something fun in nature; feed the ducks, splash in puddles, collect conkers or go for an evening power walk.
💄 Slot in a little pamper activity each day; even if it’s a five minute face mask, nail file and paint, craft activity or game of football – whatever helps you relax!
Here’s the final, more radical step, that we need to be more disciplined about, but which is totally key to feel refreshed and rejuvenated.
For one day a week – for 12 hours at least, try to unplug everything electronic.
📺’Screen free Sundays’ are a habit some families are getting into.
🎨 Paint, do puzzles, play board games, play music, or bake together. Quality, focused time with family is a beautiful thing.
So how can we begin to beat the screen fatigue and addiction pendulum swing?
👍 Reduce the time spent on screen using a combination of habits.
👍 Replace what you do on your device with other fun things.
👍 Refresh from the digital by withdrawing from it for a day a week.
Next time you see or talk to me, please ask me how I’m doing with this! And If you’ve got some good tips on how you do screens in your house, I’d love to hear from you!
This pandemic has had a way of making us take things day by day, hour by hour, even moment by moment. With the restrictions changing all the time, it’s become so difficult to plan – or even think about – things too far ahead.
I don’t know how you’ve found it, but that aspect has been pretty tough for me personally; I like having things to look forward to! Having kids forced me to become more spontaneous and flexible in general, but the last few months have felt like a step too far. Now, the disappointment of Christmas turning out differently and the prospect of being cooped up at home for yet another six weeks quite frankly fills me with dread.
But there’s one particular piece of advice that is resonating with me as much today as it did at the start of this year and is still keeping me going, for now at least.
Do the next right thing.
Whether we are talking about facing a big challenge like navigating another day of grief, or contemplating a small gesture like mowing our neighbour’s lawn, every moment presents us with a new opportunity to make a good, healthy, just, loving, kind, impactful – right choice.
Just DO the next right thing
Yes, no matter what’s outside our control, we always have the power to do something positive. In Theodore Roosevelt’s words, ‘the best thing you can do is the right thing… but the worst thing you can do is nothing.’ And the worst thing for all of us right now is to allow ourselves to become paralysed by uncertainty.
You don’t have to handle the rest of this year, or sort out the rest of your future, all at once. You’re not required to have the day figured out, the week planned out, or every problem solved and settled. But no matter how long the days or how dark the nights, as long as you and I can see the next small thing in front of us to do, and act on it, then dawn will come eventually. One step at a time.
There will be many things we can’t do over the next while. But when there’s restrictions on what we can’t do, we can start by doing what we still can.
Reading more with the kids 📚
Journalling or writing a blog 😁
Doing DIY jobs that we’d been putting off 🔨
Baking for our neighbours 🍰
Writing and recording songs 🎶
Writing to elderly relatives and friends 🖊
Doing online courses or learning a new skill 🏫
Enjoying take-away treats in the open air ☕️
There may be lots we can’t do, but there’s still loads we can do. In the words of Nike, ‘just do it!’
Just do the NEXT right thing
How many hours do we waste worrying about what is ahead? Don’t get ahead of yourself. You have today! You can’t change the past, and you can’t control the future. But life is available in the present moment.
I had this term all neatly planned out. The kids would be at school every morning, I would work while they were at school, and I would be free to do other things in the evenings. Let me tell you, I hadn’t planned for COVID.
But then again, no one did. Between sickness, isolating, and half time schedules, there has not been one week where my utopian vision has been realised.
I have felt a bit frustrated about this, if I’m honest, but I know there are others facing much bigger challenges, and I need to make the positive choice to be present, enjoy the extra cuddles and quality time with the kids during the day, work as and when I can, and make the decision to be flexible.
‘The foreseeable future’ isn’t very far right now. Let’s stick to the now, and the next right thing that’s in front of us to do.
Just do the next RIGHT thing
Someone once said that if you do the next right thing, the next right thing will happen. It doesn’t mean that the consequences of doing what’s right will be easy, but it does mean that we can be confident we are living a life that’s true to the values we hold. The way we make decisions is just as important as the decisions we make. I want to live a life led by values rather than circumstances. But sometimes doing the right thing can feel pretty hard.
A value of humility prompts us to say “I’m sorry” to someone we’ve hurt. 💔 It might not feel good at the time, but it’s for our good.
A value of good stewardship motivates us to be generous to someone in need. 💵 It might mean sacrificing something we wanted to buy ourselves, which might not feel good at the time, but it’s for others’ good.
A value of selflessness allows you to let your partner take a nap while you watch the kids. 💤 If you’re tired too, it might not feel good at the time, but it’s for the good of your relationship.
How we respond to the ever changing regulations needs to be guided by values, not wants. Our behaviour needs to be motivated by the good, not what feels good to us. How can we best protect? How can we best love? How can we best serve?
By doing the next thing that isright.
So the next time all this uncertainty threatens to overwhelm you,
… Start by doing something, when you feel you can do nothing
… Do what’s in front of you, rather than worrying about what’s ahead of you
… Do the right thing, and the next right thing will happen.
‘Do your best’ is a phrase we hear all the time. We tell our kids to ‘do their best’ and the rest will take care of itself. But what does doing our best mean? And what should the outcome of our best be?
I say this because sometimes without realising it we can unconsciously misinterpret the meaning of ‘do YOUR best’ for ‘do THE best at all costs.’
⭐️ For example, I used to think doing my best meant bending myself both directions until I nearly broke with exhaustion.
⭐️ I used to think doing my best was staying up into the early hours, trying to meet commitments I never should have taken on in the first place.
⭐️ I used to think doing my best was re-reading an email twenty times to make sure there was no mistake in it.
⭐️ I used to think doing my best was forgoing dinner so I could make a planned commitment right on time.
⭐️ I used to think doing my best was meeting the expectations of everyone around me.
⭐️ I used to think doing my best was never missing a note in a performance.
How wrong I was.
You see, doing your best is important, but so is recognising that not only will your best not always be the best – sometimes your best will not be enough.
Yes, sometimes you will invest 110%, only to find it still isn’t enough for those around you.
⭐️ Sometimes your best won’t be enough to get you that dream job.
⭐️ If you’re a boss, your best won’t always be enough to please your employees.
⭐️ If you’re a parent, your best won’t be enough to meet all your children’s needs all of the time.
⭐️ If you’re a friend, your best won’t always be enough to never disappoint.
⭐️ Sometimes the pressure of your circumstances will mean that temporarily you won’t be your best self.
And that’s ok. Really.
Because that’s where grace has the opportunity to abound.
Grace is unmerited favour. Grace is undeserved acceptance. When you experience true grace and learn to give it out, it is life-changing.
Here’s five ways grace kicks in when our best is not enough.
1. Graceacceptsmy limitations
We are limited beings with limited resources, capacities and abilities. For example, I am just not naturally sporty; even if I gave a 100m sprint my best shot, I’d still probably come in last. I’m also not naturally tidy; I could improve my organisation and do my best to keep on top of clutter, but my house still won’t look like the Joneses down the road.
I’ve also only got so many hours in the day. On the days when it’s my mum’s birthday, I’ve got a report to work on, my kids are off school sick and a friend has an unexpected crisis – I may forget to brush my hair, or fail to make dinner from scratch. And that’s perfectly fine, when grace is present. Because grace knows and accepts our limitations – whatever they may be.
And that’s because grace is unapologetically realistic. How many times have we expected far too much from ourselves or from friends or family members? But when grace fills our hearts and minds, we are able to accept the frailty of our humanness, and understand that we can’t be all things to all people, all of the time. Experiencing grace allows us to be more sensible about what we can actually achieve, and releases us to put less pressure on others to fulfil unfair expectations.
3. Gracecelebrates progress
Grace is not only realistic, it helps us to celebrate when we do achieve something. Even if we have accomplished something seemingly insignificant – like getting to the bottom of the laundry basket or exercising every day in a week – when we have tried hard we should take time to acknowledge that. And even if we fail at something, when we have learned important lessons in the process, then we still have something to be joyful about!
4. Grace extends kindness
Grace assures us that doing our best does not mean sacrificing our mental health or stretching our physical limits out like chewing gum. When we learn to be generous to ourselves even when we get it wrong, how much more will we be equipped to extend kindness to others! We won’t expect our employees to work 60 hour weeks, or our friends to drop everything to speak to us. We can extend kindness, whether it is deserved or not. Do you want to be that type of person? I know I do; giving and receiving grace is the key.
5. Grace sees theheart
Lastly, embracing grace is a journey towards understanding that we are not the sum of your achievements; motivation and effort are much more important. It’s better to do something with a genuine heart and not get it totally right than produce something polished with a terrible attitude.
Your best will not always be enough, so embrace grace
Are you feeling like you aren’t enough today? That’s probably because none of us are, not without grace anyway.
There are some standards we will never meet. Think about it; when the best we could offer wasn’t even close to good enough for God, he gave His best instead – His perfect Son – so He could extend His unmerited favour to us. That is grace.
So next time you’re tempted to be hard on yourself or someone else who isn’t meeting your standards or expectations, remember,
… Grace is realistic. Be aware of your (and others’) limitations, and accept them!
… Grace celebrates progress. Don’t look for perfection, or you’ll always be disappointed. Look to learn instead.
… Grace extends kindness. Look for ways you can merciful to yourself, and extend favour to others today.
… Grace sees the heart. Attitude is more important than ability. Always evaluate motives above performance.
Kids have a way of humbling you in front of other people, don’t they? Parents never forget some of those red-faced moments. Like the time when Zoë told someone I barely knew that, ‘Every time mummy gets on the scales she is heavier,’ or blurted out to a crèche volunteer, ‘You couldn’t go anywhere near our car, it’s full of dirt.’ Both statements were true at the time, of course, but definitely not truths I wanted all to hear!
It’s well-known that young children have no filter. Filtering our thoughts and opinions before we say them out loud is something we learn to do as we grow up. Not enough sometimes; a little too well other times. Yet just as we learn to hold back comments that might hurt people as we get older, somehow at the same time we become accustomed to hiding much of our true selves from those around us.
Bill and I watched ‘The Social Dilemma’ the other night. It’s a documentary about the how social media manipulates human psychology – including how using it contributes to poor self esteem, anxiety and depression. I tell you, it was pretty concerning, as well as thought-provoking.
One of the problems with social media for mental health is the pressure to present our best selves online. The best of our pictures, angles, memories, family activities – you name it. Let’s be honest – it’s tempting for all of us to present the world with an unrealistic picture of what we look and live like.
But when you’re living a ‘filtered’ life, how much of yourself are you actually letting people see? Who are you when no one is looking? And how much of a difference is there between the two? Everyone has struggles, problems, flaws, hurts and insecurities. We don’t need to share them all with the world, but neither should we pretend we have it all together!
And here’s why:
We are made to be ‘instruments’ not ‘ornaments’
True impact only comes when our motivation is to become an instrument for others’ flourishing, instead of just an ornament for their admiration.
Think about it; if our public persona only ever includes idyllic family photos, sparkling surfaces, glamorous achievements and flawless complexions, what effect does this have on those looking on? They may admire us, but is the person they are admiring even real? And are we impacting them for good, or simply perpetuating a destructive cycle of comparison and inauthenticity?
Some of the most impactful people on social media are those who began their journey seeking to encourage, to comfort and to build others up by bringing a bit of reality to online platforms.
Take Kristina Kuzmik, for instance. After moving to America from a war-torn Croatia and facing divorce, single-parenting, poverty and depression, she found herself wanting to provide the support for others she so desperately needed during those challenges. She’s now a worldwide icon of real-life motherhood; but she has never strayed from her core motivation: to be an instrument of encouragement.
So a good question to ask ourselves before we post something online might be, ‘Is this purely ornamental, or could it impact someone for good?’ If it’s more often the former than the latter, we may need to click the #unfilter button for a time.
We are made for connection above impression
I have never felt more deeply connected to my husband than after I had major surgery. It was far from glamorous for us both, I can tell you. On one level, I found the vulnerability of not being able to shower myself or dry my own hair really difficult; but on another, it was deeply intimate and precious. As I learned to receive support from him in my helplessness, we bonded on a richer level than ever before.
When you sacrifice your desire to make a great impression and replace that with true connection, nothing can replace the level of relationship you get to have with people. When you allow them into the unvarnished world of you – with all your fears and flaws – and they still choose to love you and draw close, it’s the most beautiful thing. Think about it, if people – even your family – think you’re self-sufficient, you only ever give them the opportunity to love you from a distance.
I love my friends who are open about when they get it wrong. Shared stories about parenting fails, work blunders, and relational mistakes bring us closer together. I want to spend time with them, because there’s not this pressure to have it all together. It’s comfortable. It’s natural. It’s deep. It’s liberating.
Connection always involves vulnerability. It’s not comfortable, and it can result in hurt if you are rejected as a result of being yourself. But we owe it to others, and we owe it to ourselves not to pretend. What’s the point in being loved, if you’re being loved for something you are not? But when you’re loved exactly as you are, and you seek to do the same for others – now that’s something truly special.
We are made for service, not self-promotion
One of the questions I love to hear my work colleagues ask is, ‘How can we better serve our users?’ It may be hard to believe, but they actually mean it. That really is their primary focus. And when that’s the pervasive attitude in a company, any marketing strategy becomes more about benefitting the people they are reaching, than earning prestige or acclaim.
What a rare ethos in a world that is so often too interested in getting ahead! It’s counter-cultural, but incredibly powerful. And it’s the way we are supposed to live. Consider the fact that the Creator of the universe chose to come to us as a humble servant. Paul tells us in Philippians to ‘Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.’ And as John Maxwell says, “The best place for a leader isn’t always the top position. It isn’t the most prominent or powerful place. It’s the place where he or she can serve the best and add the most value to other people.”
What would happen if we focused less on the amount of likes we get, and more on the value we could add to others’ lives? It’s exciting isn’t it? How would our ‘timelines’ look? What would we post about? What filters would we remove?
Maybe we can redeem the ‘social media dilemma’ after all – if we choose to ditch superficial edits and live a #nofilter life. If we seek to become an instrument of healing over an ornament for admiration. If we invest more in unvarnished connection than we do in maintaining a good impression. If we spend more time in service than in self-promotion.
Before I became a mum, the phrase, ‘winter is coming,’ conjured up cosy evenings by the fire, brisk walks in the fresh air, and sipping hot chocolate with marshmallows in coffee shops while watching passersby through steamed up windows.
Now, on first hearing, the phrase evokes something else altogether… that dread of hearing feverish moans in the middle of the night as children wake up with temperatures; the continual rescheduled plans; cabin fever and perpetual runny noses.
Covid realities have added another level to this sense of uneasy anticipation. Here we are, only two weeks into term, and both my kids are off school already! But before I can feel too sorry for myself, I want to make sure I write down what I can do – what all of us can do – to stay healthier and happier in this season! We all know the benefits of a balanced diet and exercise, but is there anything else that makes a real difference? Here’s five things that will give you and your family an extra boost:
Fresh air ❄️
‘There’s no such thing as bad weather, only poor clothing’
If you’re anything like me, when the weather is cold the last thing we can feel like doing is going outside. But once we make the effort, it’s more than worth it for the benefits.
My beautiful and wise Finnish friend taught me this. She is always prepared for all weathers with impressive all-in-one suits that keep out the wet and the cold, and keep little ones warm as toast. Check out the Reima range at www.reima.com – these are expensive but long-lasting; if you buy them oversized they’ll last for years and can be handed down from child to child as they grow.
Not only does being exposed to the cold increase your metabolism, being active outside causes your brain to release more of the hormones that make you happy (epinephrine, adrenaline and norepinephrine.) So get out there and get some fresh air!
When my kids were constantly getting infections a couple of years back, I did a LOT of research on vitamins. The best ones I’ve found for kids are from the Nature’s Plus Animal Parade range – you can get them on amazon and in some local health shops. These are amazing! Not only do they contain the key vitamins and minerals but they taste great too, and the GOLD ones also include probiotics for improved gut health. Since my kids started taking these ive noticed a huge difference! They still get the occasional bug like the rest of us, but they fight it off much faster than they used to.
For the adults among us; if you can take vitamin C, vitamin D and Zinc supplements consistently, you’ll be giving your immune system a huge boost. They need to be good quality though. Most gummy vitamins contain more bad stuff than good- watch out for additives and artificial sweeteners!
Essential oils 🧴
Essential oils do not work miracles, but when used properly and safely they can give your mood and immune system a much-needed boost. Used as cleaning products, they reduce the amount of harmful chemicals coming into your home. They can also help with mood, sleep, ailments, aches and pains.
A kind friend recently made me a wellness roller blend from thieves, lemon and frankincense oil. It smells gorgeous on your wrists and is mild enough for the kids; we put it on the soles of their feet at night (with socks on!) Talk about a pick me up!
Here’s some benefits of the oils we love in our house!
Thieves: the individual components of thieves oil have been shown to have antimicrobial properties, promote respiratory health and wound healing, and may provide pain relief.
Clove: antimicrobial, tooth and muscle pain reliever, improves respiratory conditions like cough and asthma.
Frankincense: anti-inflammatory, improves gut function, relieves asthma and improves oral health.
I’ve yet to put this one fully into practice! Most of us need 7-8 hours of good quality sleep to stay healthy. This is super hard to achieve if you work shifts or you have young kids. But if you can get to bed earlier, and avoid screens two hours before bed you’ll feel so much better when your alarm goes every morning. Alternatively, why not try these great glasses from sleepspec? If you want to go on social media or work late at night, wearing these can cancel out the harmful effects of blue light on your sleep.
If little people wake you during the night or you have health conditions that keep you awake, what can really help you get the best from the little sleep you’re getting is taking magnesium supplements. I started doing this a few weeks ago and have noticed a huge difference in the quality of sleep I’m getting.
Making memories 📷
Lastly, let’s not forget that the colder months bring lots of opportunities to make amazing memories. As a friend put it,
‘When I think of winter, I think of earlier bedtimes for the kids as it gets dark earlier, reading by the fire before bed always feels special, more routine, welcome breaks at Halloween and Christmas with all the fun and extra time together those bring, being cuddled on the sofa under blankets more often, cosy lighting and smells. Everything feels a bit magic in winter.’
Isn’t this so true? We’ve all got harvest, fireworks and lanterns, cosy evenings, snowmen, stockings and gifts to look forward to! Why not plan in some new family traditions for the harvest and Christmas seasons?Twinkl has some great ideas for creative new winter activities.
So let’s all stay healthier and happier this winter by:
1. Getting more fresh air ❄️
2. Taking our vitamins 💊
3. Trying out essential oils 🧴
4. Getting better sleep 💤
5. Making new memories 📷
How do you and your family stay healthy and happy?
It takes time to learn a new language. A long time in fact. In order to become fluent in French, for example, I’d still need to spend at least three months living in France, even after learning it for years in school.
And just as it takes time to learn a language that’s not your own, it takes time to learn how those around you best give and receive love.
The people in my family communicate love in very different ways. Different things make them feel special. Different things make them feel warm and fuzzy inside. And so I find that each new day is a new step in the journey of learning to love well.
For Zoë, nothing says ‘I love you’ more than sitting on the floor with her and doing imaginative play. Her main love language is most definitely quality time. I really struggle with imaginative play; but I try to do it each day for a little while so that little love tank is filled up.
Eden is the cuddliest little article. For her, nothing says ‘I love you’ more than a bedtime snuggle and me allowing her to twiddle my hair through her fingers. Her main love language is indisputably touch. Sometimes it feels a bit claustrophobic, but because it makes her feel comforted and secure, I let her do it.
We joke that bill is the shallowest family member – his love languages are touch and gifts, in equal measure. If you want to reach Bill’s heart, buy him a ‘Jammy Joey’ (or a new guitar 😀) from the shop and give him plenty of hugs. For a long time I couldn’t understand why my compliments didn’t mean that much. He enjoyed them, but they didn’t mean the world. I was just speaking the wrong language! I’m still working on speaking his.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ more to me than when someone takes the time to listen to me, or to offer heartfelt words of encouragement. I’m words and time. Because Bill doesn’t need a lot of words of affirmation, he is still learning to speak aloud the positive things he is thinking!
You know where I’m going with this, right?Most of you will already have heard of Gary Chapman’s classic, ‘The five love languages.’ He talks about five main ways of expressing and receiving love: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch.
To know what your main language is, ask yourself, ‘How do I express love most naturally?’
💜 Do you love doing something for someone?
❤️ Are you quick to verbally encourage someone?
💛 Are you willing to spend a lot of time and attention on other people?
💙 Do you love giving personal and thoughtful gifts to others?
🤎 Do you naturally reach out to hug someone?
In the reverse, what do you ask for from others most often? A back rub? A weekend away? The grass cut?
Knowing how you and your other family members give and receive love is the first step to closer relationships.
Imagine if a husband knew that doing the dishes was much less important to his wife than buying her flowers once in a while?
Or what about the wife who showers her husband with compliments when all he needs is loving touch?
Or parents who continually buy their child gifts, when playing a game with them would speak greater volumes.
See how miscommunication can so easily happen? Don’t assume what you find meaningful others will too. Even sincere efforts to love can easily get ‘lost in translation.’
Why not take a moment today to ask the people in your life what makes them light up inside? You could begin (or continue) learning how to speak love, their way. Because when love lights someone up, everyone around feels the beauty of the glow.
What language do you speak when it comes to love? And how have you been learning to love others better?
‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.’
I don’t know who first said this, but I can’t understand why it became so popular. Because it’s quite simply wrong. I would re-render it as:
‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but there’s nothing like words to bring you down.’
Some of us can handle criticism better than others. On the one hand, I’m a bit envious of the thick skinned among us, and I want to know your secrets! But on the other hand, psychologists say you need five positive affirmations per one negative comment to thrive. That means that no matter how self-confident we are, a lot of us are operating at a deficit of positivity a lot of the time.
No matter how thick skinned you are, I think it’s safe to say none of us enjoy being criticised. But we can teach ourselves to evaluate any thoughts, feedback or comments more objectively; to learn what needs to be learned and leave behind what needs left behind.
Here’s a personal example. One of the most important heart questions for me is, ‘do you really care?’ Just as a major need of mine is to feel cared for, I try my best to care for others. I don’t always do it well, but it’s really important to me.
So one of the most devastating things someone could accuse me of is being cold or uncaring. It’s happened to me before, and I lost a lot of sleep over it. But when a kind friend helped me lay out the evidence and weigh it up, I realised that the accuser didn’t actually know the details of how I spent my time or who I spent it with. But I did, and there was a lot they had assumed that was based on an incomplete picture. Their assessment was not a fact, it was an opinion. And it wasn’t true. Now, I could let it go more easily, without holding on to it, carrying it around, or trying to justify myself to that person.
That episode made me realise the distress that comes from treating every thought in our mind, opinion about us or assumption about us as automatically true. Just because someone has an opinion, does not mean it is valid. Just because someone has made an assumption about me, does not mean it is accurate. And just because I subconsciously believe something to be true about myself, it doesn’t mean I’m right.
This world’s people-pleasers have a tendency to burn themselves out trying to fulfil everyone’s demands. But at some point all of us have to realise that we can choose to live either according to unlimited expectations or our finite capacities. No one else is going to make that decision for us.
And here’s the thing that can really help us not to be driven by what people think:
Knowing the difference between fact and opinion.
💯A fact is something that can be verified with evidence.
⁉️An opinion is an assertion based on belief and viewpoint.
💯 Fact – The music is in C minor
⁉️Opinion – That music is awful
Seems easy to differentiate, doesn’t it? But it’s not always as clear cut as all that when people are involved.
So next time you experience thoughts or words that bring you down, ask yourself, is this fact or opinion?
Weigh up the for and against evidence. If you decide on fact, then take up the challenge to learn what needs to be learned. If it’s a misplaced opinion, take the necessary time you need to identify it as such and …
Maybe we need to adopt another version of that saying from now on,
‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never define me.’
I was chatting to someone the other day about how challenging this pandemic has been for mothers.
Some of us have become breadwinners, solo carers, and homeschoolers all in one! At the same time, many of us have been stripped of the extra family and school support we relied on. But as we look back at what we overcame in 2020, we should step into 2021 feeling encouraged – yes, we are stronger and braver than we thought we ever could have been!
Dear stay at home mum of littles,
As the nights bleed into days, you are stronger than you know – and braver than you think.
In the season of motherhood when you’re sleeping even less than your unsettled kids; you’re facing sickness after sickness; you’re heavily pregnant or you’ve got toddlers and infants in tow; and you’re struggling to make it through the day – you can think you are failing.
You can think you’re weak when you’re living in perpetual overwhelm, your house is in chaos, and you can’t keep things together. But look back now at how far you’ve come – You made itthis far. You made it through last night. And you’ll make it through another one.
Maybe you feel at times like you’re barely holding on. And yet you do.
Maybe you feel like this season will never end. And yet, it will. It may feel gruelling, and that’s because it is. But it is not permanent.
So grab all the support you can lean on for strength. No one can do this alone.
Dear working mum of multiple kids,
As time slips through your fingers, and the days blur into years, you are stronger than you know, and braver than you think.
When drop off and pick ups, medical appointments, work meetings and house work feel like they are clambering all over you and weighing you down, you can think you’re buckling under the pressure.
With every music lesson, parent-teacher interview, laundry load and football practice taxi run, you feel the tug of wanting to hold on to each precious moment, and yet longing for something that makes you feel like you’ve still got some of your own identity left.
Maybe you feel like time is going too fast, and somehow you’ll miss what matters. And yet, with each lovingly-packed holiday suitcase, and wave at the school gate, you are building something incredible. Something that lasts far beyond these years. You are building what family means for your children.
So please don’t feel guilty about doing those little things that make you feel ‘you’ again, so you have the endurance to keep building that legacy.
Dear mummy to those with extra needs,
You. Are. Special. Your tenacity, perseverance, and willingness to sacrificially give out is an encapsulation of real, agape love. A choice to lay aside your own needs for another. A beautiful expression of love as a verb.
You’ve worried more than most of us. You’ve researched more than all of us. You’ve spend money on treatments we haven’t. And at the end of each day you may feel wrung out, but you are beautiful.
After spending every waking minute caring, investing, and reading up on how to alleviate your child’s distress, pain or discomfort, you might feel like you have nothing left. That you are on your knees and that no one understands.
You may have had to exit a restaurant with an overwhelmed, screaming child. But we see you as flexible. You may have had to spend hours in hospital corridors. We admire your patience. You may have been hit, kicked and growled at. We are in awe at your resilience. You are not weak, you are not alone, and you are not invisible. You may be in a position of constantly giving out, but you too deserved to be cared for.
Self-compassion is your survival. You need to forgive yourself when you get it wrong, and give yourself permission to take a break when you’re offered it.
There’s many different kinds of mummies in this world, but you’re all stronger than you know, and you’re all braver than you think. We see you, we celebrate you, and we cheer you on! Keep going!
I’m running the risk of getting on a bit of a hobby horse with this one … but it’s too important not to say, so here goes!
I’m convinced many of us have a bad dose of milestone madness. From literally months old, our lives are plagued by the next achievement or attainment. Everyone always wants to know the ‘plan’ don’t they? What’s your next move? Where are you headed? What are you aiming for?
But what about what’s now? Here’s what I feel compelled to say today:
To the mum whose little ones aren’t speaking in sentences by the time they are six months, don’t panic.
Revel in those little nonsensical gargles and giggles that you’ll look back on in six years’ time with tearful nostalgia. Respond to those pointed, ‘when do you think he/she will talk’ comments with, ‘Aw, they’ll do it in their own time, but watch now as they respond with delight to my every word!’
To the teens who go through puberty later than most, and feel unattractive and out of place, please don’t panic!
I was an early developer, my friend was a later one. When we were younger people thought she was my little sister. I felt lanky and awkward being taller than all the boys, while she wished she looked as old as me. Now you couldn’t tell the difference. And who really cares, anyway? If someone teases you about being a late bloomer, call them out on their shallow attitude and tell them about the more important things that are blossoming in your life right now!
To the 18-year-old who didn’t get the results you wanted in your A-levels, don’t panic!
You can repeat if you want to. And if you don’t, there are plenty of other options available. Volunteering, travelling, tech, you name it. I took a gap year just because I could, and completely changed my career path as a result. When someone asks you ‘what you’re going to do,’ ask them to quiz you about what you’re learning through the change of plans!
To the university graduate who didn’t get your dream job on the day after your ceremony, don’t panic!
The average person changes career 5-7 times these days. Experience in different fields and industries only enriches your life, increases your social capital and enlarges your skill set. When someone asks you when you’ll ‘make it,’ tell them to ask you how you’re building on your employability now.
To those whose friends are all getting married but you have no relationship on the horizon just yet, don’t panic!
You are not ‘left behind.’ You are no less good-looking or interesting just because you aren’t joined at the hip with another person. Life is not a board game. They haven’t moved ahead several spaces just because they’re married or have kids. Some of the loneliest people in life are married. Next time someone provokes you about ‘moving forward with love’, ask them to press you on what you’re enjoying moving into right now.
To those of you who are dating and constantly being interrogated about when the ‘question’ will be popped, don’t panic.
Instead, slow down. Get to know each other. Talk about the hard things. All of them. Enjoy the adventure and the getting to know one another before wedding planning and house buying sweep you away like a whirlwind. When someone asks you when the big day is, give them a detailed catalogue of what your best days together have been so far.
To the couple who don’t want to have children as soon as they get married, don’t allow yourself to feel pressured into it just because people expect you to. Don’t panic!
Enjoy the holidays, the lie-ins, the DIY projects, the date days – if that’s what you want. Because the people who are winking and gesturing at your stomach will not be getting up five times a night with your baby.
And when you’ve had one, you’ll be asked about having another.
Maybe you don’t want to.
Maybe you don’t want to, yet.
Maybe you are struggling to.
Maybe the question causes you a lot of pain.
And this is why, when it comes to the whole children question, it’s ok to say to people, ‘You really shouldn’t ask about that.’ Why? Because it’s really not their business. And it’s not the right question actually.
If you have children, ask people to ask you how they bless and enrich your life. And if you don’t, they should be asking you what many other people and things are blessing and enriching your life right now. Because although children are a wonderful source of joy, by no means are they the only fountain of fulfilment.
I could go right on through every season of life, but I don’t feel at all qualified to talk about what’s next, because I haven’t been there yet. I don’t know enough about climbing the property ladder, or looking after elderly parents, or pensions, or wills, or funeral plans.
The long and the short of it is, please, at least some of the time, let’s stop fixating on what’s coming.
Let’s focus on the gift of the now.
Let’s stop applying the pressure and instead take time to pursue what’s present.
Let’s care less about the ‘lowdown’ and more about the learning.
Let’s quit idolising the next and start celebrating the moment.
It was a day I’ll never forget. Eden was only a few months old. Zoë had just turned two. I was having a friend over for breakfast, and we were enjoying some really sweet conversation together.
Suddenly it felt like the room was swimming around me. I found I could no longer focus on what my friend was saying, but I could hear her concerned, ‘Are you alright?’ – in the distance, followed by a weird floating feeling as she guided me over to the sofa to lie down.
‘I can’t move,’ I remember muttering. Being an experienced nurse, she calmly took charge of the situation, asked all the right medical questions, phoned the doctor’s surgery, and got an emergency appointment.
I was so grateful she was there with me and the girls that morning. She was God’s angel to me in that moment.
When I eventually got to the doctor, I remember her diagnosis clear as day. ‘This is pure exhaustion. Your body is saying stop. Bed for you.’
For the next week, that’s what I did. Lay in bed. Bill brought Eden up so I could feed her, then took her down again and I slept. I felt like no sleep would ever be enough.
Two weeks on, I remember still struggling to lift my limbs to get up off the sofa and crying fearful tears, ‘Have I pushed myself too far? Will this be permanent? Is this chronic fatigue?’
I did recover fully eventually, thankfully, but I learned a very important lesson that day. I learned I had limits.
That I wasn’t eighteen anymore.
That I wasn’t invincible.
That I couldn’t stay up with a baby feeding all night and then do all I did before I became a mother, with two young children in tow. And here’s the biggest part- that was ok!
My body needed nourishment. My mind needed rest. And I needed to learn self care.
And it’s still baby steps, to be honest.
I have such a woeful habit of packing activity into my week like a tin jammed with sardines.
All of us have an individual energy tank we draw from for work, looking after family, socialising, you name it. And when it’s empty, it’s empty.
If you feel like you’re at your limit, or you’re running on empty, but you don’t know how to set limits, try these five questions to help gauge where you are at!
1. Is my mind continually racing with what I have to do each day?
If so, I may be trying to achieve too much in a short space of time.
2. Is what I’m trying to do on a regular basis outside of my ability to achieve (in time, skills, energy or resources)?
If the answer is yes, you may need to pass some things on or shoulder responsibility along with someone else.
4. Do I always wake up tired?
If you never feel truly rested even after a night’s sleep, then you may need to slow your pace of life down before your body does it for you!
5. Have I begun to resent it when people ask things of me?
If you find yourself cross when someone asks you to do something for them then you may not have good boundaries in place. Time to say a polite ‘No’ to some requests so you can say a wholehearted ‘Yes’ to the right things!
I’m encouraged today that even though I still have a tendency to take on too much, I’m still taking baby steps to establishing good self care. Baby steps are still steps. And it’s the same for you.
It’s never too late to start! And it’s never too late to take another positive step towards a happier, healthier life.
How do you do self care well and where could you improve? I’d love to learn from you.
Ever wish time travel was a real thing, just so you could get through your never ending to-do list each day?
I have a bit of an obsession with time. How fast it goes, how key it is to invest it into relationships, and how I can find more ways to use it more productively.
Why? Because time is the most precious commodity we all have.
As Rick Warren puts it, ‘You can make more money, but you can’t make more time. When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you’ll never get back. Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time.’
Because time is so precious, but so easily slips away from us, it can often feel from day to day like we are always trying to save time that we don’t have.
Here’s three tips I’ve learned (through many years of time-management mistakes!) about maximising my time and making the most of my days.
What?? Hold on. You’ve just told me to make good use of time! I don’t have time to sleep!
Actually, adequate sleep is crucial for productivity. But so many of us are chronically sleep-deprived. Take it from me; a bleary eyed mum with young children who is still definitely not getting as much sleep as I should be. Very few people thrive on 4-6 hours a night. When you and I are physically tired, our productivity plummets. Full stop.
In fact, it may or may not surprise you to learn that studies of large corporations have shown workers who have insufficient sleep spend nearly three times as much of their day on the same tasks as those who sleep well. I know it to be true as well; the days I go to bed early and get up at six to work, I achieve so much more than when I struggle with a screen late into the evening.
Seems that early night is worth sacrificing an extra episode of Netflix for 🤔
Are there so many to-dos whirling round inside your head that it feels like a perfect storm and you’re too overwhelmed to do anything? Often we feel like this because we are spending our days multitasking, rather than prioritising.
I don’t know whether others struggle with this, but I have a really hard time sorting out in my head sometimes which tasks are the most urgent for me to tackle. I also struggle with over-estimating what I can achieve in one day.
But recently someone told me about the 1-3-5 rule, and I’ve found it so helpful for this!
1. Pick 1 big task you need to achieve that just can’t wait – and accomplish it first
2. Then choose 3 medium tasks that are important, but not as time consuming or urgent as the big one, and tackle them one after another.
3. Finally, dot your day with 5 small tasks that are easily achievable.
You’ll end the day with peace of mind that you accomplished what you needed to, started what you wanted to, and covered some of the little jobs that are always hanging over your head.
When I was a kid, I used to pay my far-too-kind friend to clean my gerbil cages. 10p a cage. Sounds awful, doesn’t it? 😂
But maybe I realised the principle early on in life that time is money! And if money can buy you more time, seriously weigh up if it’s not worth it to delegate out some things.
During my teens, my neighbour used to pay me and a friend to mind her toddlers for one hour, just so she could walk around the block to clear her head. Her husband worked away and she didn’t have family living nearby. That £5 was well worth it for her. She came back refreshed and ready to parent again.
If paying someone else to wash your car on a Saturday morning allows you to go and visit your gran, why not?
If one hour of paid work will pay for three of cleaning, then it may be a no-brainer for you to get some help with the house!
Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to ask yourself, ‘What is preventing me from investing in what matters to me most? And can I delegate some of those tasks to buy some of that time back?’
So there you have it:
… Sleep 💤
… prioritise 📅
… and delegate 🖐 your way to a more productive day!
He was the man who lived beside ‘The Gap’ – a natural beauty spot where lots of people attempt suicide every day.
For over 50 years, Don Ritchie watched through his window for troubled souls, then came close to meet them at the point of their need.
Standing at the edge of the cliff, deliberating whether or not to end it all, many a hopeless individual heard softly-spoken words from this compassionate stranger, ‘Why don’t you come for a cup of tea?’
Seemingly insignificant words, but since 1964 they have saved at least 160 lost souls from the precipice of death.
Wow! What a legacy, and what a reminder of the power of one. The power of one to impact one life, after life, after life.
Have you ever doubted that your life could make a difference?
It may be time to start believing differently.
It can be so tempting sometimes to focus on numbers; likes on Facebook, attendance and crowds. But what about the ‘ones,’ and the ‘ones’ those ‘ones’ will impact?
Someone once gave me a word of encouragement that has never left me.
They said, ‘The impact of your life is a bit like walking along the seashore across the sand, picking up shells as you go. Those shells you lift along the way represent the lives you have touched. Before you know it, you’ve walked the length of the beach. A little love each day can go a very long way.’
Sometimes we can expend so much energy into thinking about how we could make a big difference; but in so doing we miss the small daily differences, which over time, add up to big ones.
At this point in my life, I can honestly say I’d rather be an anonymous ‘angel’ than an insta icon. Who are we standing in ‘the Gap’ for? Which ‘ones’ can we look out for and love? Who do you know that is on the edge of breakdown, or financial ruin, or discouragement?
And if you are a follower of Jesus Christ, remember you serve in the power of the greatest One to ever live, love, serve and save.
🌱One empty tomb
Jesus was the only One who could ever stand in the Gap for all of humanity, forever.
Never forget the power of the One to change the world. Start with the ‘One’ right in front of you, and see where it leads you!
Every year emotional parents and excited children anticipate the big adventure of a new school year. Tips about where to get the best value school shoes, smart first day photos, and proud as punch posts abound on social media newsfeeds.
But it all feels a bit different this time around, doesn’t it?
Because, in a way, this pandemic has forced teachers, parents and children alike ‘back to school’ in some shape or form.
🌱We are all starting an adventure of adjusting to a completely new routine, the ‘new normal’ everyone keeps talking about.
🌱We are all being presented with opportunities to adapt and adjust to a previously unknown situation.
🌱We are all mustering up the different kind of bravery involved in walking into/walking our kids into a school building post lockdown
🌱We are all going into this with a host of new questions that are as yet unanswered.
How will teachers manage to keep children at a safe distance from one another? How will they cope with that increased pressure?
How will parents manage new stresses of work, childcare and scheduling pick ups for multiple children?
How hard will it be for children to overcome decreased physical contact, staff wearing PPE at times, minimalist learning environments and restricted social interaction?
As we walk into this unprecedented adventure, we do so carrying the weight of potential disappointments.
Many schools are keeping classes within protective ‘bubbles’ for learning, creating, eating and playing together. This is an attempt to protect children from the rapid spread of infection. The idea means that if a student gets sick or tests positive for COVID-19, everyone that has had direct contact with them can be quarantined quickly and efficiently.
The size of these bubbles has recently doubled after an announcement that all children would be returning to school full time.
But asides from the worry that safety bubbles could be burst on public transport or interactions outside school, other uncomfortable potentialities are:
🌱The idea of whole classes and their families needing to self isolate due to unidentified coughs and fevers.
🌱Parents’ confusion about whether, when their kids go back to school, they will need to make changes to their existing social bubbles.
🌱Children’s disappointment at not being bubbled with best friends, parents struggling with work, childcare and pickups as a result of haphazard school hours and staggered collection times.
And yet, despite all these potential uncertainties and disappointments, every adventure requires bravery, and this is one we are all embarking upon together.
So surely this is a perfect moment to celebrate the brave steps being taken by each of us at this time. Steps towards normality. Baby steps towards life as we knew it before. Steps to overcome the challenges ahead.
💪Parents bravely releasing children they have held tightly these last six months
💪Mums and dads bravely cooperating to ensure the best possible work, life, school balance
💪Teachers bravely accepting responsibility for supervising children – all so they can thrive and continue to learn.
💪Officials bravely and diligently working through risk asssesments and balancing pros and cons
💪Children (with all the current anxieties added to normal new term nerves!) bravely heading back to a classroom situation which will be very different in some ways.
Yes, we might feel the weight of Unknown’s and disappointments, but let’s lighten the mood by celebrating the beauty of our collective bravery as we move forward into this new adventure together!
As an English headmaster wrote to his pupils just before lockdown struck,
‘These are very unusual times and one day, when this is all over, you will be telling your children about the time that our brilliant community overcame a huge challenge, how we stuck together to help and care for each other. You will also tell them how brave you have been.’
Once upon a time there was a battle. A fight which felt impossible to win.
The leader of one side was known for his great exploits. His courage. His bravery. His boldness. His unwavering confidence in his God.
But in this particular story, he is vulnerable, he is weary, and he is tired. A group of raiders had attacked his people, and he is watching what is happening from a nearby hill.
This ancient tale describes how, as long as the leader’s arms were raised high, the tide was turned against the enemy of his people. But as soon as his limbs buckled with tiredness, the opposition got the advantage.
What won this battle, you may be wondering? Well, it certainly wasn’t this man’s independence or will power.
It was his friends. Two people came alongside and held up his arms for as long as they were needed. With their combined strength, the enemy was defeated.
The turning point in this story was not self sufficiency, it was interdependence.
The turning point in this story was the strength that comes with shared responsibility.
The turning point in this story was the intentional bearing of another’s burdens.
All of us have times when we become battle weary. Drained. Tired. And we often don’t recognise that our personal weariness has the potential not only to impact our own lives, but that of so many others around us.
Tiredness is the cause of many a battle lost.
Exhaustion is often the underlying factor for giving up something that is important to us, and crucial to the flourishing of others.
But when does the turning point so often come? When someone comes alongside.
🌱To share the weight.
🌱To bear the burden.
🌱To show strength.
🌱To communicate support.
When weariness is weighing us down, stubborn independence is not a wise way forward. Interdependence is how God designed us to operate. We can achieve so much more together than we can achieve alone. Or, to put it a different way, we can survive so much more through partnership than in isolation.
What a difference this makes to us when we feel our worries, demands and responsibilities stretching us out like chewing gum.
🌱Are you feeling weary today? Maybe you need to ask a friend (or two) for the support you need.
🌱Or maybe today is a day to thank someone who has held your arms up at crucial points in your life?
🌱Finally, why not consider now whose arms you could hold up so that they too can have the strength to fight another day?
Sometimes things just don’t end up the way we want them to.
When expectations are not met, disappointment rears its ugly head. When our hopes and dreams are out of line with reality, we are forced to admit we didn’t get something we wanted.
So many of us are experiencing disappointment at the moment.
🌱Disappointment that church isn’t what it used to be.
🌱Disappointment that we still have to social distance or shield after so many months.
🌱Disappointment at postponed weddings, cancelled holidays, attendance at loved ones’ funerals, or unfair employer decisions.
🌱Disappointment about deteriorating health.
I took time this week to write down some key moments of disappointment I’ve experienced:
🌱When our first church ministry experience together ended in mistreatment and great hurt.
🌱When the precious life of our first baby ended in ectopic pregnancy and emergency surgery.
🌱When we watched family members suffer awful illness and die prematurely.
🌱When a friendship I treasured ended due to events outside my control.
I’m sure you could easily make your own list of events where you felt let down or angry that things turned out the way they did.
But did you ever consider that if you respond to disappointment in the right way, it might actually be one of the keystones of growth? That it could change the way you live now, and kickstart a bright future based on reality rather than wishful thinking?
Here’s how we can turn disappointment into a productive, and even powerful, catalyst for change.
1. Feel whatneeds to be felt
Have you ever noticed how when children are upset, they will tantrum, cry or scream until the emotion passes and they are really ready to move on?
If you’re disappointed, you’re disappointed, and that’s just it. Denial will not make it go away.
Label the emotions you feel- worried, resentful, hurt, sad, let down etc. Think of the emotions as waves that wash over you but don’t engulf you. Disappointment is not a permanent condition. You don’t need to wallow in it. When you label it clearly, it loses its power over you and becomes a receding tide of emotion that gets further and further away.
2. Let go whatneeds to be let go
When you feel let down, it can be hard to let go.
But when we hold on to disappointment too long, it can quickly turn into discouragement, resentment, or even depression.
That’s why it’s so important we turn disappointment into determination to grow.
A wise friend once told me, release is a voluntary action. To find freedom from what it is you are holding, you have to choose to loosen your grip on it.
Next time you’re at the seashore, why not pick up a pebble, and consciously acknowledge the weight of it in your hand as you think about the weight of what you are carrying. Then let it slip from your fingers into the waves and watch as the water carries it away.
There’s power in release today.
3. Learn whatneeds to be learned
Don’t punish yourself for feeling cross or frustrated! Instead, commit to learning from every hurdle and challenge.
🌱Learn gratitude – train yourself to think of three things you can be thankful for each day.
🌱Learn discernment – learn to distinguish between the facts and feelings of a situation. You may feel strongly about it, but are things really as bad as they seem?
🌱Learn positivity- learn to see the positive side of the worst situations. Positive people attract positivity!
4. Build what needs to be built
Some people decide it’s best not to have high expectations about anything, so they are never disappointed. They avoid taking risks or going deep in relationships as a form of self preservation. But this leads to an unfulfilled and mediocre life.
Others set the bar so high that no one- not even themselves – will ever reach it. But this leads to anxiety and self deprecation- not to mention unnecessary annoyance at others.
We need to build expectations for ourselves and others that are realistic– not idealistic, pessimistic or perfectionistic.
Recognise who you are, choose who you want be, and take steps to build on that. If you want to be an open-hearted and gracious person, when unmet expectations tempt you to withdraw or run away, knowing your values will enable you to resist the urge.
1. Feel what needs to be felt
2. Let go what needs to be let go
3. Learn what needs to be learned
4. Build what needs to be built
… and kickstart a brighter future 🌟
“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope”
My eldest daughter has inherited one of my biggest personal struggles in life: waiting.
Once she gets something in her head she cannot rest until she has acquired or accomplished it.
I am exactly the same; waiting to me has always felt like an utter waste of time- unproductive minutes forever lost in a vacuum of nothingness.
It used to drive me crazy when my parents would say, ‘Patience, patience.’
And yet, I’ve found myself saying to Zoë all too often- ‘Be patient, honey. Good things come to those who…’
‘Instead of demanding the toy from your sister there and then, it might be an idea to ask once, then wait. She’s much more likely to give it to you than if you try to snatch it off her. Good things come to those who wait.’
‘Instead of asking me over and over for the sweet, it might be an idea to wait quietly without pestering me. Then I might be more inclined to give you two rather than one! Good things come to those who wait.’
If we are willing to wait around for a while, we will soon find life has lots of good things stored up for us. Waiting without demanding what we want is no easy task. But it often pays dividends- whether it be with a promotion, an investment return, or the provision of a need that we were were willing to hold off a little bit longer from splashing out on.
And if we are in a season when things are really tough; the principle remains. Wait long enough, and winter will end. Wait long enough, and you’ll see the shoots of spring coming through.
Wait, and the good will come.
We’ve all heard the saying, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive, but do we actually believe it? Well we should, because it’s true!
There is nothing better than watching someone light up when you give them a gift from the heart – whether it be your time, your money, your talents or your words.
Because the best things in life are shared. Because the hearts that give without expecting anything in return are the most richly blessed.
As Jesus teaches us- ‘give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you” (Luke 6:38).
The measure we use will be returned to us. If you are giving with expectations, you’re robbing yourself of the blessing of real giving. Too often we give expecting the person to behave a certain way as a result of what we’ve given. That’s not a gift, it’s a loan or a contract.
How can you genuinely give with no strings attached?
🌱Love without condition.
🌱Talk without bad intention.
🌱Give without reason.
🌱Care without expectation.
How can you show true generosity today?
All this being said, it’s not only important to learn how to give well, we need to be willingto receive the good, too.
Learn to let others bless you. To acknowledge you need their generosity, love, time and care.
Because too often, we let pride prevent good from entering our lives. Some of us won’t accept second hand offerings. Others don’t want anyone to think they are in need, so they either refuse gifts or try to pay them back.
Someone once told me, ‘make sure you are easy to give to.’ This applies to finances, compliments, hospitality – you name it. Be easy to give to. It sounds Irish, but the easier you are to give to, the more you will be given to!
Do you silently squirm inside when someone offers you love, care or encouragement? Do you find good things hard to receive from others? Or can you receive openly and with deep joy? If you’re awkward every time someone tries to compliment you, they’ll be put off doing so again. Make it easy for them!
Practice allowing yourself to surrender to the good feeling of receiving a gift! And in so doing grant the giver the great joy of seeing your delight in accepting their generosity wholeheartedly.
This is one of the most important lessons I’ve learned and am always learning.
🌱Life is too short to hold grudges.
🌱Life is to short to keep record of wrongs.
🌱Life is too short to constantly expect too much of people.
Good things come to those who can let things go and move on. To those who can extend grace and realise that the majority of people are doing their best and haven’t deliberately offended or disappointed us.To those who do the hard work of processing deep pain so they can be free from it.
Forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts you’ll ever give yourself. When you practice releasing hurt and choosing to have an attitude of grace and kindness towards others, you’ll be able to be kinder to yourself as well (notwithstanding the fact that you’ll be less angry, sleep better, have less physical pain, better heart function and increased life satisfaction… I could go on and on about this one!)
So good things come to those who…
What words could you add to this list? I’m sure there’s many more I’ve missed.
One day, I wake up feeling fine. The sun is shining, the mood is good, the kids are pleasant.
The next day is grey from the start. It’s pouring with rain outside, tempers are frayed, and patience is thin.
The past few months have brought a perpetual series of ups and downs for us all. But when you continually experience such extremes, it leaves you feeling as if you don’t know whether you’re coming or going, doesn’t it?
In Northern Ireland we know all too well what it is like to experience every season of weather in one day. But now we know what it’s like to feel every emotion going in 24 hours as well! – From anxiety about the safety of our loved ones, to feeling isolated from friends, to frustrations with people who aren’t following guidelines, to joy when we get a thoughtful letter in the post, to comfort when we chat with grandparents over FaceTime.
Here’s how I’ve been learning to cope with my own pendulum swings this past year:
1. Be thankful for the great days
We have made some beautiful memories since the pandemic began. From planting shrubs, to collecting shells, to picnic lunches in the garden, to leisurely family walks around our neighbourhood. Nothing can snatch those memories away. In moments of frustration, I savour on them like I would my last piece of chocolate. Gratitude is a great source of joy!
2. Acknowledge the bad days
It keeps our feet on the ground to acknowledge our human flaws and frailties. We’ve cried our tears. We’ve had our disagreements. We’ve felt the stress of cancelled holidays, uncertainties about work and church, and navigating different boundaries and expectations. But as one good friend advised, ‘it’s only when you allow yourself to feel the feelings that you can move on from them.’
3. Take note of the ‘blah’ days
You know what I mean by a blah day? Days when you’re so drained you don’t know what to be at, who to call, what household job to start with, what work task to attempt. Days when you feel like a toy that is running out of batteries and whose music is going flat. It’s normal to have blah days once in a while, but take note if they are becoming more and more frequent. No one can live in a constant state of overwhelm. You may need to reach out for more outside support.
4. Grow in the scary days
These are days when the gravity of the situation hits you. When you hear of a friend getting sick. When you know of someone who has died. When your little people run a fever. These days break your heart and test your resilience. But they also have the potential to develop faith and perseverance in you. Don’t discount them as write offs or try to avoid them at all costs. Walk through them knowing that they will pass, that they will form character in you, and that hope is never out of the picture.
5. Learn from each and every day
If there’s one thing I’ve learned in all this it’s that extremes are completely normal- so many people are feeling the same way! So please don’t feel you are odd if you’re laughing one minute and crying the next.
This time has included every conceivable emotion, from grief, fear and anxiety to elation, inspiration and hope.
We’ve witnessed people at their worst- looting shelves, violent behaviour on the streets, and committing racial injustice.
But we’ve also seen kindness, generosity, sacrifice and neighbourliness like never before.
We’ve seen people deep in despair, but we’ve also witnessed the brightest hope shining through at every juncture.
I’ve always loved to sing. It’s more than just a hobby for me. It’s therapeutic. It’s creative. It’s meaningful. When words are paired with music, the truth of them comes alive for me.
I’ll never forget doing my first solo; I was six years of age, standing in front of a packed Sunday morning congregation. I still remember the lump in my throat and my knobbly knees knocking together, as my mum thrust me forward towards a podium that was twice the height of me. A crowd of two hundred people feels like the equivalent of a football stadium at that age. It takes courage to put such a little voice out there!
Another vivid memory comes from my twenties, when I sang a piece at a women’s conference during a Bible college placement in Ghana. The accompaniment was played on an ancient Casio keyboard and there were no microphones to be found.
I struggled my way through as sincerely as I could. Afterwards an old African woman hobbled up to me and complained that my voice was too ‘soft’ and ‘sweet.’ She suggested I get some of the African women to teach me how to sing.
I didn’t really know how to respond to that one! She wanted a bit more volume and oomph. She thought the passion wasn’t there because the performance wasn’t loud. She mistook softness for a lack of spirit.
In Northern Ireland, when you can hold a tune, people often say, ‘Och, so and so has a good wee voice.’ And in the same way, sometimes we think of our voices as just that- ‘Och, just a good wee voice.’
But boy is that an underestimation.
The beliefs and attitudes expressed when we open our mouths are more powerful than we will ever appreciate.
On the stage of life volume doesn’t necessarily equal power. Loudness isn’t not the equivalent of strength. The most important question is not, ‘Are people being impressed by what they hear?’ But rather, ‘Are they being touched, moved and impacted for the better by what they hear?’
So often we think, ‘I’m just ordinary. There’s not much mileage in the conversations I’ll have. I’ve got limited ability to influence others.’
But we all have a voice.
A unique voice that echoes around the chambers of our minds. A voice that ricochets around the corridors of our interactions with others. A message we can proclaim from the rooftops of our communities.
And we can always use it for greatness!
🌱When your mind is full of pessimistic assumptions, you can drown out negativity with the voice of hope.
🌱When things are uncomfortably quiet, between you and another person, you can use your voice to create new and meaningful connections.
🌱When you’re in a room full of people who are competing and jockeying for position, you can use your voice to inject cooperation and compromise into that environment.
🌱When you’re in an atmosphere of tension and offence, you can use your voice to infuse peace and harmony unto the air.
🌱When you see oppression and injustice, you can use your voice to challenge and bring change on behalf of the marginalised and downtrodden.
🌱When you see someone who is weary and burnt out, you can use your voice to affirm and encourage them to take another step.
🌱In situations where everyone feels confused and uncertain, you can use your voice to cut into the fog with clarity and composure.
🌱Where you see division and strife, you can use your voice to bring the balm of peace and healing.
Each one of us has a ‘wee’ voice that has the potential for ‘great’ impact.
Have you ever thought your bedside table might just be a window to your soul? What we keep on them can say a lot about us. They can also say a lot about the differences between us and our partners!
Some of us like a well stocked table. We don’t mind a bit of clutter. We are larger than life personalities who love to be surrounded by people and things. The world would be less warm without us!
Others like to keep things simple. For them, sleep is sacred and only objects that are conducive to that should be kept nearby. They are intentional, practical, organised and efficient! A lot in life would fall apart without them!
One or two of you break the mould altogether and have no bedside table at all. You are the independent forces for change in this world. Nothing would progress in society without you!
But do you know what bedside tables were originally used for?
Your bedside table was where you would have hidden your chamber pot in the old days. No more explanation needed there 😂
The Victorians called bedside tables ‘commode’ which comes from the French word for ‘convenient’. That’s still true right? Many people use a bedside table (or nightstand) to store everything you need to use last thing at night or first thing in the morning.
Today, the furniture beside our bed can also be a significant revealer about what is important to us. I asked some lovely people yesterday to post what they had on theirs – with fascinating results! Here are some of the pictures you posted:
Some of your bedside surfaces were dominated by beauty essentials, some contained primarily practical items like alarm clocks or medicine, while others prioritised meaningful objects.
Some of you sentimentalists kept kiddies’ artwork and family photographs, while others preferred to have no clutter at all. You are the minimalists of this world!
For some of you the space had a spiritual focus, while others had a more earthly flavour. I guess it depends whether you like morning motivation, afternoon inspiration or evening reflection!
My mum and dad’s bedside tables were completely different growing up. My dad had a couple of books, an alarm clock, and a pen drive with all his translation work on it, but my mum’s was like the leaning tower of Pisa. There was so much on there just ready to fall off if you brushed past the wrong way.
It reflected them beautifully. One focused, strategic, intellectual and single minded, the other personally involved with a lot of different people and possessing a great many passions.
Here’s the lowdown on mine.
Currently perched within easy reach is a journaling notebook, as well as two books- ‘you are what you eat’ and ‘The anthropological lens.’ Not a mirror or beauty product to be found! The only practical items are a kid’s drink flask and an inhaler in case I can’t breathe during the night (because breathing is kind of a necessity 😂)
Oh, and in the process of taking this photo I also found my lost bank card underneath the pile of books! That says a lot about me! You can see a hint of the mess around the table here.
In other words, there you have it: three of my greatest passions in life – food, people and writing (not necessarily in that order😂). The phone is there too, but only in case someone needs to get in touch.
Bill’s is quite different. First of all, he made the table himself out of left over wooden floor. Anyone who knows him will see this as true to form! Then there’s a Bible, a computer and two books ‘Ancient-future faith’ and a book titled ‘Where is God in a Coronavirus world?’ So that’s three of his greatest loves right there: theology, technology and DIY.
That our bedside tables (or lack thereof) could reveal so much about us is something I’d never thought about before – until yesterday. It’s been a lot of fun looking through your lists and pictures.
But I suppose this whole lighthearted discussion can leave room for some reflection too!
🌱What do you think of as necessities in life?
🌱What do you feel the need to keep within easy reach?
🌱What’s important enough to you to sleep beside?
🌱What does all this say about you, or about the difference between you and your other half?
We’ve all had those days with our kids where they test us to our limits. They get dirtier and messier than we’d like. They ‘push’ our buttons. They whine and fight with each other. They’re ‘ungrateful’ for the treats they are given.
The question I’ve been mulling over is, what is our parenting leverage in those moments? What influence – other than our authority as care giver – do we possess to achieve the desired change in our children’s behaviour?
Often the default in those moments is punitive discipline – we come down hard on the behaviour so we can squeeze the bad ‘out’, so to speak. Loss of privileges, threatening, shaming, grounding or smacking are common parenting techniques used to quash behaviours we don’t like.
But recently I’ve begun to think about the whole issue of discipline very differently. This is because not only is discipline training – and therefore so much more than punishment – I’ve also realised how often parenting comes from a place of:
Selfishness – making our lives easier
Habit – what we were raised with
Fear (of losing control or how others will judge our parenting)
The fact is, we are completely free NOT to use punishment if we don’t feel it to be the godly approach in that moment- even if we incur the judgment of those looking on.
I’m trying to reprogram myself not to immediately think- how can I stop this disobedience as soon as possible? Because discipline is not about making my life easier, or externals, or making sure people think I’m a great parent. It is being more concerned with the inward heart condition. How can I reach my child’s heart? How can I ensure they have a change of heart? How can I represent the loving authoritative discipline exemplified by Jesus?
Behaviour flows from the heart
Every behaviour has a cause – it comes from the thoughts and intents of the heart- how we understand the character of God, how we see ourselves, how we view others and how we perceive situations we are in. Actions are also influenced by our desires, wounds, hurts and unmet needs from situations and people.
So when I’m seeing unacceptable behaviour in my kids, I’ve found it helpful to ask myself, where is this coming from? And how can I respond like Jesus would?
Because while I thought of God as a cold, distant father, I ran from him, so I could hide from his scathing displeasure and conceal my shame.
But once I understood that it was actually when I was at my worst, when I didn’t love God or obey any of his laws, that Jesus chose to die for me, I wanted to live to please Him as best as I could.
Once I grasped that my Heavenly Father was infinitely close and loving in the times I messed up the most- my heart was captured by Him forever.
I’m not talking about a wishy washy kind of love that doesn’t confront or deal with behaviour. Christ’s love paints a very clear picture for us of our sin and how much we fall short of his standards. Wrongdoing should incur appropriate consequences. However, at the same time,this love covers our shame, and embraces us unconditionally while we are still in the mess of it.
It’s a question of love, for goodness sake.
…Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. (1 John 4:18)
Do our kids run from us, or to us, when they do something wrong?
Does understanding the great love of God make us want to run from Him, or to Him?
It is His goodness that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4)
So next time your child disobeys you, you might find it helpful to ask:
‘How would God show His love to them in this moment?’
‘What does divine goodness look like in this situation?’
‘How can I make my children aware they have done wrong whilst at the same time assure them of my deep, unconditional and constant love for them?’
What are we teaching?
Maybe ‘teaching our children a lesson’ doesn’t always teach the lesson we want. When punishment is our automatic reaction, they learn that bad things happen when they misbehave. But they don’t learn how to change direction completely. When we know we are loved despite our mistakes, we are free to work on them.
So if I want to reflect in my parenting the love that my Heavenly Father has for my kids, and allow change to happen from the inside out rather than the outside in, it is definitely worth the effort to invest in loving influence as well as firm authority.
Don’t get me wrong, I fail at this every day of my life. I get it wrong many times a day. At times I’m harsh and anything but an example of God’s love or goodness. That’s when I’m all the more thankful for His loving kindness and mercies that are ever new.
The sounds of Africa by night can be scintillatingly soothing. I fondly remember lying in bed at night listening to the whirring of ceiling fans, the choruses of crickets, and the pounding of heavy showers on tin roofs.
But the sounds of Africa by night can also be chillingly haunting.
The shriek of a witch doctor performing a curse
The moans of a child hallucinating with malaria
The bloodcurdling screeching and droning chants of cultish groups performing exorcisms.
It was the last of these that I remember being terrified by as a child.
In Ivory Coast, we lived for a time near a compound of ‘Christianisme Céleste’ devotees. Their worship rituals didn’t seem quite so frightening by day, but during the night, to a young girl of seven, it felt as though gnarly fingers of darkness, carried by their songs, were reaching through my window… swirling round my bed and always on the brink of snatching me away.
It got to the point where I was terrified each night to go to bed, because I knew that awful singing, chanting, drumming and screeching would begin all over again.
One day, my mum decided enough was enough. I’ll never forget the steely look of indignation on her face as she took me by the hand, and marched me round the corner to the entrance of a compound with whitewashed walls and a blue sign.
Our appearance caused quite the stir among the crowds of devotees, who were dressed from head to toe in white. Why on earth was a white woman marching over with her young child?
It was more than a little intimidating when a young man promptly shouted at my mum to take off her shoes. (We didn’t know at the time that this was an important emphasis of this group – probably inspired by the story of Moses and the Burning Bush.)
I felt awkward and frightened. But my mum seemed wholly unperturbed.
I heard her assure them briskly in no-nonsense French that God would hear their prayers just as well if they prayed them with a little less volume and if they moved their exorcism circle to the other edge of their compound – not right beside our bedroom window.
Believe it or not, a short time later they actually obliged.
I’ve never forgotten that event. That day taught me something very important.
I learned that it’s only when we have the courage to face up to our fears that things can ever change.
Fear magnifies. It makes the shadows bigger and the nights longer.
Fear torments. It grows and multiplies like cancer, doing untold damage in the process.
Courage, on the other hand, switches the light on. It exposes the source of the fear. It makes the shadows disappear. It forces us to acknowledge that the fear is there. But the fear isn’t as big as it first seemed.
Courage motivates. What we fear is still present, but at some point the determination to face it takes over.
Courage gives you the gumption to march over there and give that fear a good talking to. Enough is enough! This far and no further!
Courage transforms. Just because you face something head on, doesn’t mean your circumstance will change. But something within you will. And that’s well worth fighting for.
Fear magnifies. It makes the shadows bigger and the nights longer.
How do we defeat the gnarly fingers of fear in our lives?
🌱Acknowledge the fear is there
🌱Decide enough is enough
🌱March right over there and give it a good talking to
TUNNEL VISION OR BRIDGE THINKING? 🤔
There’s a difference between going TO something and going THROUGH something. If we’re not careful, this whole thing could become a tunnel, and we’ll miss all. we could learn on the way.
Often when we find ourselves saying yes to things we don’t actually want to say yes to, it’s because we don’t have a strong sense of our core values. Your pet peeves can help you find out what some of these values are.
I’ve been thinking a lot about hospitality lately.
How do you do hospitality with 2m between you?
How do you make room when you can’t share your space?
How can you be social when you have to social distance?
How can we welcome our neighbours when they do not welcome a deadly virus we may accidentally pass on to them?
Before lockdown began, it was our habit to invite someone into our home at least twice a week. We were intentional about that because not only do we love having people over, we believe tasks and work can never take precedence over people. Welcoming others in prevented us from becoming too comfortable in our own wee bubble.
But current circumstances mean that over the last few months we have been forced to do just that: stay in a ‘bubble.’
So what do we do now?
Because the aspects of hospitality that seemed important before now appear inconsequential or simply out of reach.
For example, I used to get really frustrated trying to tidy my house before guests came round. When there’s kids about cleaning is a bit like treading water – you never seem to get anywhere! But now people are in each other’s houses a lot less, and this preoccupation seems kind of irrelevant going forward.
Before COVID-19, ‘a warm welcome’ may have conjured up images of a roaring fire, Good Housekeeping interiors, a substantial supper and attentive service. Now – notwithstanding the fact that hardly any of us live up to these ideals anyway – they seem somewhat extraneous under current restrictions.
As I’ve thought back over my most treasured memories of hospitality, it felt tempting to be wistful at how far out of reach some of them are to me now:
• Falling into a friend’s spare bed for a much longed-for nap and coming down two hours later to freshly made pizza and well-cared for kids.
• Sipping a steaming cup of tea in the candlelight, with a purring cat curled up on my lap.
• Lifting a big pile of washing off the sofa onto the floor and sinking down into it (the sofa, that is – not the washing!) for a morning heart-to-heart.
• Being told to put my feet up, handed a blanket and a plate of my favourite oatmeal biscuits, then dozing off for the afternoon.
• Squeezing elbow-to-elbow around a table in a tiny kitchen with steamed-up windows and tucking into a bronzed turkey that was almost the size of the room itself.
As I’ve reminisced, however, I’ve realised that in all of these memories, it wasn’t so much the food and ambience that were important, but rather the message communicated to me by the people who offered them:
‘Come and share my life. I have made room for you – not only in my home, but in the recesses of my heart.‘
You see, in the midst of these moments, I didn’t once measure the warmth of the welcome by the surroundings, the heat of the fire or the sophistication of the supper spread. What I treasured was the feeling that surrounded my heart as someone offered me the best of what they had: food, time, attention, love and care.
While we can no longer entertain squeezing ourselves like sardines around a dining table or having a nap in someone else’s bed, these memories have reminded me that what you serve to others and where it happens doesn’t matter as much as how you offer it and the heart you offer it with.
So what might hospitality look like going forward? Here’s some food for thought:
It might be your lovely neighbour delivering you a homegrown lettuce and punnet of strawberries.
Or distributing some scones you’ve made to the residents of your street.
Or taking the time to see if friends need shopping or letters need posting.
Or chatting leisurely in the street.
Or starting a community Whatsapp group so you can keep in touch and ask for help if needed.
Or even looking after a pet while its owner is on holidays.
… It’s making room for those extra interactions
… It’s slowing down to enjoy meaningful conversations.
… It’s offering the space in our lives, that we didn’t have before, on a plate to others.
What you serve to others and where it happens doesn’t matter so much as how you offer it and the heart you offer it with.
Before lockdown, ‘making room’ meant cleaning the house and clearing a couple of hours in our packed schedules.
Before lockdown, ‘making room’ meant scrambling around chucking things into cupboards and wiping down surfaces; so when guests arrived we could be present to the people in front of us, not distracted by a splattering of spaghetti Bolognese on the floor or the muddy footprints at the front door.
So maybe it’s not so bad that things have changed now. After all, it’s during challenging and perilous times that little things given with a lot of love make the biggest impact. It’s when we offer immediate and tangible care that our neighbours realise we want to do their bodies and souls good!
Christian hospitality shines brightest in challenging, perilous days. Shallow interactions thrive on shiny surfaces and glossy first impressions, but deep friendships are forged in the real stuff of life.
Because hospitality is not just about “opening our doors, but opening our very souls.” (Rev. Mark Suslenko). It’s not packing meet ups into your diary… but offering people your inner space, giving them sustained attention, and meeting the needs of the people who are right in front of you,
What does hospitality look like for you these days? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Shallow interactions thrive on shiny surfaces and glossy first impressions, but deep friendships are forged in the grimy stuff of life
TUNNEL VISION OR BRIDGE THINKING? 🤔
There’s a difference between going TO something and going THROUGH something. If we’re not careful, this whole thing could become a tunnel, and we’ll miss all. we could learn on the way.
Often when we find ourselves saying yes to things we don’t actually want to say yes to, it’s because we don’t have a strong sense of our core values. Your pet peeves can help you find out what some of these values are.
I’ve been heartbroken this week reading news reports about the Coronavirus parties people have been holding to challenge the reality that COVID-19 is, in fact, ‘real.’ Some of the stories of the consequences of reckless and irresponsible actions have been totally heartbreaking.
It’s as if some people have chosen to live in an imaginary world, in order to escape the unsettling reality of what is.
My Zoë has a wild imagination. One minute she is a twirling and skipping fairy princess; the next she’s pretending to be a gurgling, crawling baby. When she’s fully in character, it can be a bit of challenge to bring her back to earth and to establish anew that she is – in fact – simply herself.
The other day I had to tell her she couldn’t run about in her Rapunzel dress because it was too long and she could easily trip and hurt her arm (which is currently in a cast) again.
The devastation that ensued was quite something. ‘But I AM a princess, and princesses don’t wear trousers,’ she protested, as the tears streamed down her face. The reality of the situation brought my little drama queen to the depths of despair.
It seems, too, that human responses to crisis can be found somewhere on a spectrum between these two extremes.
The first extreme is to deny that the difficulty even exists, turning away and hiding from it. This reaction results in a disconnect from reality and is accompanied by behaviour that seems reckless and irresponsible to others.
The second extreme is to be so weighed down by the reality of trials that they are magnified exponentially and fear sets in. This response fixates on difficulty to such an intense level that everything feels hopeless.
Both responses aren’t healthy, and yet – in the case of this pandemic – we’ve seen both in action.
We were at the seaside yesterday and the close proximity of the crowds was remarkable to me. Everyone seemed to be blatantly throwing caution to the wind. It was as if they were totally convinced – like a child deep in imaginary play – that they themselves were Superman or Mrs Invincible.
But why is it that so many are sticking their head in the sand and refusing to accept what is real?
As I’ve been thinking this over, it’s occurred to me that denial is the first stage of grief – and that this might give some insight into what is going on.
The 7 stages of grief (Kubler-Ross)
– Shock and denial.
– Pain and guilt
– Anger and bargaining.
– Depression and isolation
– The upward turn.
– Reconstruction and working through.
– Acceptance and hope
In this health crisis, people are grieving the ‘normal’ that was. And rightly so. But when events are too painful for people to cope with, denial often kicks in.
When you are grieving, denial is your body’s way of giving you time to adjust to distressing situations.
But it is never meant to be a permanent condition.
Denial should be a temporary mechanism that helps us process a frightening truth. It helps protect us from the realities of our lives until we can begin to cope with that truth and have hope again.
So at some point, grief should work its way through to some form of acceptance of a ‘different, new normal.’
And yet, it can be tempting to live in a perpetual state of denial in an attempt to avoid facing what is real.
Steven Taylor, a professor and clinical psychologist, calls one type of denial an ‘unrealistic optimism bias.’ It’s a tendency to minimise threats and to see yourself as being more invincible than the average person.
But please let’s not pretend all is normal when it’s actually not.
🌱If we pretend we are impervious to sickness, we will put ourselves in unnecessary danger.
🌱If we pretend we aren’t in a pandemic, we can put others at untold risk.
🌱If we pretend we aren’t at all unsettled by the uncertainty ahead, we prevent others from feeling safe to share their worries and concerns with us.
🌱If we pretend we don’t have areas of brokenness in our lives, then we don’t leave our lives open to healing.
It’s part of human nature to throw pat answers at a problem that are meant as quick fixes. For example I’ve heard this one used – ‘As a man or woman thinks, so he or she is.’ (Proverbs 23:7) The implication here is that you can ‘think yourself’ into being out of danger. You just need to believe you’ll be ok, and you will.
Fact is, believing falsehoods to the nth degree won’t actually do anything for us. If the thoughts we think are untrue, we will live deceived.
It is only when we fully face up to the situation we are in – that is when real change in our attitudes, hearts and minds can begin.
🌱I may be facing many kinds of uncertainty in this crisis, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have the certainty of heaven.
🌱Yes, I may have struggles and heartaches, but when I recognise that, I become ready for healing.
🌱Yes, there may be danger out there, but I can take positive steps to protect myself and others.
🌱Yes, this situation is tough for many, but it won’t last forever.
Let’s not resort to pat answers at this time. Let’s face up to where we are, think of others, and allow God to change our attitudes and responses in the process.
I’m convinced that the exact moment Bill and I fell in love was right in the middle of a heated theological discussion.
He loved that the girl in front of him had a brain and a voice, neither of which she was afraid to use. She loved the fact that the boy in front of her didn’t pretend or flatter, but was honest and passionate about the things that mattered.
Ever since that first altercation, at the foundation of our relationship there has been a deep reciprocity and understanding that we respect one another enough to be able to disagree.
And we have learned a lot from each another as a result.
One of the things I have learned that it is ok- on occasion – to be strong and assertive, and to throw caution to the wind when considering the way forward. And he has learned – also on occasion – to be influenced by others’ opinions and be cautious about making decisions.
In our case, it’s most definitely iron sharpening iron, though sometimes the moments of friction can smart a little more than either of us would like.
The truth is, though, that all of us grow through the right kind of conflict. Not through the bullying, domineering, manipulating or controlling kind – but in the midst of the loving, reciprocal and transparent kind.
I remember my closest childhood friend saying something I’ve never forgotten, after we had a disagreement at age 13 – ‘You just always have to prove your point, don’t you? Whatever the cost.’ I didn’t like this at the time, I can assure you. But she was right. And her summation has operated as a kind of Jimminy Cricket check and balance ever since.
Many years later, another friend rubbed salt in just the right place when I was sharing how hurt I was as a result of someone else’s thoughtlessness. She said, ‘you’re annoyed you haven’t got all your ducks in a row, aren’t you?’
Tough, but also fair.
In that situation, things weren’t turning out how I thought they should, so I was all in a flap about it. I learned from that conversation that an adjustment of my expectations of other people was needed.
Why does speaking truth and disagreement matter so much in our relationships? Why does Proverbs 27:6 tell us that ‘faithful are the wounds of a friend?’
Because people who really love you tell you the truth. They don’t butter you up, fan your ego, or fuel your delusions. They encourage you when you need it, but they warn you when your attitudes, words and actions warrant it. They do it because they want the best for you.
None of us are perfect. All of us need accountability. All of us need to be challenged now and then.
This is why, if you occupy any kind of leadership position, it’s so important not to surround yourself with people who will always agree with you. Instead, make a decision to welcome diversity and embrace different opinions. In the process, you’ll generate new ideas. You’ll understand more about yourself. You’ll learn to communicate more effectively and to appreciate different perspectives on life.
So when was the last time a friend or team member challenged you on something you did or said?
I remember one time when someone came to see me privately and lovingly shared their concerns about how I’d handled something in a meeting. I can honestly say that in that moment they won my eternal respect. They loved me enough to be candid, concerned and respectful, all at the same time. To me, that is worth its weight in gold.
People who don’t really love you talk about you behind your back. People who really care confront you to your face. They tell you when you aren’t seeing eye to eye, and that’s why you need them. You need their insight. You need their perspective. You need to see their heart for your heart. You need them to grow.
But if it’s been a long time or forever since you felt the jag of healthy disagreement or confrontation, it may just be that you’re surrounding yourself with the wrong people.
Could it be that you are now thinking of a moment when you walked away from someone who challenged, cautioned or corrected you with wholly loving intentions- just because what they said offended you? Perhaps you need to revisit that moment with a different perspective and be willing to go back and make things right if necessary.
Im thankful for the people I don’t always see eye to eye with, but who walk with me by the hand, share their heart with me, and are walking in the same direction.
No, not the kind that wears an orange sash and marches on the 12th July.
The enneagram type 6 kind.
Don’t know what I’m talking about? Let me say, if you’re interested in personal growth, and you haven’t done the eannegram yet, you’re missing out!
The eannegram is a model that gives insight into the vulnerabilities of each type of personality. The idea is that once a person understands their core motivations, they can take full advantage of opportunities for growth.
Here’s the nine types – I’d be interested to hear which one most resonates with you!
• Ones are motivated by integrity and most fear corruption.
• Twos are motivated by love and are afraid of being unlovable.
• Threes are motivated by success and worry about having no inherent value.
• Fours desire significance and identity and fear having no unique purpose.
• Fives desire knowledge and ability and fear being incompetent.
• Sixes crave security and belonging and are afraid of losing support.
• Sevens desire happiness and are concerned about being trapped or in pain.
• Eights want to be in control of their own life, and hate the idea of being controlled by others.
• Nines are motivated by being at peace, and most fear disconnection.
The enneagram is a really insightful tool for working on your weak points. Someone said to me lately, though, that I have a tendency to dwell on the negative side of my personality. The worrying, cautious, indecisive side. The side that overthinks. The side that constantly interrogates whether I am managing everything in my life well enough or not.
They were right, of course.
But not today!
Many of you will know well that powerful scene in the Greatest Showman, where the bearded lady realises that – despite her oddities and flaws – she is who she’s meant to be. I love this line in particular:
‘I’m not scared to be seen, I make no apologies, this is me.’
Have you ever considered that what you give yourself a hard time for each day could actually be the key to understanding the unique contribution you make to the world?We should never be afraid to acknowledge our imperfections, but neither should we shy away from recognising our strengths.
Because ‘Loyalists’ (type sixes) may be cautious, skeptical and crave security – but they are also cooperative, reliable, responsible and trustworthy.
Loyalists may need more affirmation and reassurance than most, but they are also unswervingly loyal and committed to their beliefs. They’ll hold on to relationships far longer than most people and have deep and meaningful friendships. They will defend their loved ones even more tenaciously than they would defend themselves. And that’s something to celebrate!
So, here are some ‘this is me’ statements I’m making today:
🌱 I might be terrible at noticing dust on surfaces, or following road directions correctly – but I’ll listen well beyond your words to your heart. I’ll also stick with you the whole journey – whether that involves watching a beautiful sunset together or being stuck in a ditch waiting for help.
🌱 I might not be able to watch sad films and cry at the drop of a hat, but I’ll weep with you when you’re sad and empathise deeply with your pain.
🌱 I might be easily hurt by criticism, but that also means I’ll never let anyone run down my friends and will take every opportunity to defend and champion them.
🌱 I might tend to envisage the worst case case scenario, but this means I can visualize pitfalls in my head before they happen – preventing many of them in the process.
🌱 I might forget to pass on important news items I’m supposed to, but at least you know I’ll never pass on the confidential information you trust me with!
🌱 I might be a bit scatty when it comes to remembering practical details, but I’m pretty sharp when it comes to digesting complex ideas and abstract concepts.
Maybe it’s time for you to have a ‘this is me’ day!
Every personality type has strengths and weaknesses, but instead of being your own worst critic – why not for once celebrate all the things about you that bring extra colour and beauty to the world?
For most of us, this won’t be self indulgence or an unnecessary ego boost, but actually just regaining a bit of balance.
Yes, it’s important not to think of yourself more highly than you ought. But it is also important, as someone made in God’s image and fashioned by His perfect hand, that you celebrate what he has made.
I’m writing this journal entry while my four year old is undergoing an operation for a fractured elbow. Because of COVID-19, I’m not allowed to be beside her. My mummy heart is hurting a lot right now.
So I’m waiting in the car park, glued to my phone for any news, while glancing intermittently at the world going by.
Then I receive a loving text that simply says, ‘children are so resilient, and I’m praying for resilience for mummy and daddy too.’
Resilience is the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties. And in reality I feel anything but resilient right now.
But resilience isn’t really about how you feel, is it? Resilience is about how you respond. It’s choosing to feel the feelings when they come and responding appropriately to those feelings.
But how does one wait well in a situation like this? I’m wondering this very thing, as the tears come in waves and trickle down my cheeks.
Here’s some thoughts that came to me through the tears:
1. Surrender control
In moments that test and stretch me – I choose to trust that my life is in greater hands, and release control accordingly. It is my faith that I’m being held in Heaven’s care that gives me the courage to endure the anxiety and fear. There is so much that I’m not in control over, but I trust a God who’s got this, and has got me. It’s up to me to hand it over to Him – again and again, if I need to.
There’s a lot to be said for learning to wait. There’s even more to be said for waiting patiently.
There’s also a reason why it’s important to teach delayed gratification early in life. Because learning to wait for gifts and treats in childhood translates in adulthood to patience in queues, patience with moving goalposts, patience when things don’t pan out like they are supposed to. Patience when tiredness causes frayed tempers and short fuses. Patience for the things you dream about and hope for. Someone once said that ‘Patience is not the ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.’ That, my friends, is a sign of resilience.
Patience is something we will always need more of than we have. We need to commit to it on a lifelong basis.
Even though we can’t physically hug right now, we can all feel hugged by messages of love, special deliveries in the post, surprise visits and assurances of prayers. All these things provide comfort through presence. Being lifted up in prayer or thought of in a time of need by a friend is the feeling of being buoyed by others’ love and care.
Never underestimate the comfort your mere presence can bring. Company can speak a thousand times louder than mere condolences.
4. Use distraction
Everyone is different, but the worst thing for me when I’m waiting to hear news is to sit and do nothing. Pouring my frustration and worry into something productive is key. Even writing this has helped me ‘do something’ with my feelings. When we deliberately move our focus away from something we can’t do anything about to something concrete we can do- whether it be pray, write, create or exercise- we develop our ability to endure.
Don’tbounce back, move forward
Contrary to what a lot of people think, resilience isn’t about bouncing back to normal. The reality is that in this crisis and many others, the impact of adversity may be long lasting or even permanent.
Instead, I like to think of resilience more as growing and moving forward even in difficulty. In other words, your life is not altogether paused because of what you are experiencing, but there is evidence of growth and development even in the worst situations.
Because resilience not an inbuilt disposition, but a skill we can all develop and learn to be better at. From this day forward, I’m committing to continuing my operation or foray into resilience. How about you?
Over the last few months, life across the world has been paused to a great degree. Work furloughs, postponed holidays, rescheduled weddings and suspended surgical clinics have left everyone in a strange sense of limbo and uncertainty.
Now, as restrictions begin to ease all around, many of us are thinking about what things will be like when as a society we press ‘play’ again.
• Some of us will remember how, pre-pandemic, we lived life in FAST-FORWARD…
…I mean that perpetual push on to the ever-elusive something ‘better’ in the future.
🌱 ‘I’ll be content when I get that promotion.’
🌱 ‘I’ll be satisfied when I accomplish that self build in the country.’
🌱 ‘I’ll be happy when I have 2.4 kids and a people carrier.’
🌱 ‘I’ll enjoy life a lot more when I’m retired and travelling the world.’
Planning ahead can be profitable, but living too far in the future can be seriously detrimental. It disconnects you from your present self and stops you processing the here and now. Nobody knows what things will be like next month, never mind next year. Try to stop your mind from time travelling, open the doors and take in the view in front of you.
• Pre-COVID-19, some of us lived life on endless REPEAT…
…I mean replaying past events in your head and constantly mulling over the ‘what ifs?’ I mean re-runs of conversations had and opportunities missed.
🌱 ‘If only I hadn’t invested in that company.’
🌱 ‘Things might have worked out better if I had stayed at that church.’
🌱 ‘wish I had trained for a different career.’
🌱 ‘What if I had waited longer to have kids.’
🌱 ‘I should have invested in my marriage sooner.’
Making sense of our past is freeing, but living in it is destructive. You are not defined by your past. It is your story, but there’s always another chapter to pen, and more twists in the plot to discover. Turn to the next page, and start writing your dreams again.
• Pre-Virus, how many of us were on PLAY 24-7?
… I mean you didn’t stop. You never switched off. You couldn’t unplug. You had a fear of missing out. You had an addiction to social media and answering emails; and a fear of being alone.
Everyone knows that this isn’t good for anyone. But it doesn’t stop us from doing what is bad for us. Constant connectivity might be socially beneficial, but it is emotionally draining.
Over the next few weeks, why not try letting your phone run out of charge once in a while and experience the freedom of disconnecting for a while?
I suppose one important question remains: as the new normal unfolds, will we remember the power of the PAUSE?
The pause is powerful because there comes a point where most, if not all of us, have found ourselves forced to STOP.
The pace of life we lived at before this pandemic was completely unsustainable. Yes, things now may feel completely out of our control. It’s a frightening place to be. But it’s also a place where we can take stock. Reflect. Determine to live a different way.
• It’s in this place that we learn the power of the PAUSE.
What does that look like? I don’t know how it will play out for you, but I can tell you what it looks like for me.
🌱 Pressing pause is when my little girl is laughing so hard she can hardly breathe; I screen-shot that moment in my mind and reflect on it, in all its joy, simplicity and wonder.
🌱 Pressing pause is when my worries threaten to spiral out of control, and I force myself to pause and ask ‘what can I find to be thankful for in this very moment? What blessing am I enjoying right now?’
🌱 Pressing pause is when I’m tempted to fast forward to when my house will be clean again; I make a mental note that right now I have a disorderly house with two loud and mischievous little girls, but in years to come It’ll be a whole lot cleaner and a whole lot quieter. What an important reminder for me to hold them tighter and laugh about the chaos!
🌱 Pressing pause is when I’m about to lose my temper and I count to ten, allow myself to breathe it out, and leave the room. This gives my brain time to recalibrate and choose a calmer way to communicate my frustration.
🌱 Pressing pause is when I’m tempted to buy something I really want, but I don’t, because I really don’t need it. In a week’s time, will I still want it? Probably not. Will my bank balance be better for it? Most definitely.
🌱 Pressing pause allows me to rest, to re-calibrate, to reflect on my priorities and make time and allowances for my special people.
The Bible has a word for this kind of pause. It’s a Hebrew word called ‘selah’- and it means something like ‘pause and calmly think about that.’
The art of Selah is a habit that takes effort to form. It’s still far from habitual for me!
But what if pressing pause allowed us to enjoy this wonderful, beautiful, crazy, painful, bewildering thing called life as we should?
Knowing that greater things are ahead, understanding that significant things are behind. But unwrapping the gift of the present with anticipation and wonder, revelling in what we are about to discover.
“A verb used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticising someone’s actions.”
It’s a odd moment as a parent when a four year old corrects your table manners. Bill and I were having a debate about something over dinner last night, when Zoë suddenly piped up – with a wry smile on her face – ‘Daddy, you really shouldn’t talk with your mouth full.’
What could he say? Guilty as charged.
That simple little statement got me thinking though. Because how often is the use of the word ‘should’ connected with feelings of guilt and shame? And not only that, if you look more closely at many of our lives, you’ll find most of us suffer from an acute case of ‘shoulditis.’
Here’s what I mean.
‘I should be more successful at work.’ ‘I should weigh X number of pounds.’ ‘I should have a super clean home.’ ‘I should always look “put together.” ‘I should always say yes whenever people ask me for help’ ‘I should be able to balance it all.’ ‘I should keep my needs to myself.’ ‘I should be more organized.’ ‘I should know what they want.’ ‘I should always reply when they expect me to.’
Exhausted even reading that list? I know I am!
And that’s because ‘Should’ is like a harsh boss who stands over us, holding us all to unrealistic high standards, and refusing to face the reality that we will never meet them.
What’s even worse is that our lives can be completely choc-a-bloc with ‘shoulds’ without us even realising it, because we don’t often say these kinds of things out loud. In fact, we often don’t know they are there at all, because they operate as a inner dialogue that we have with ourselves during the day, rather than in actual conversation with other people.
• You shall know your ‘shoulds’ •
What are your ‘shoulds?’
Your ‘shoulds’ are the things you feel you must do. They are the criticisms you (or people you know) make about your attitudes and behaviour.
Often we have no idea where they come from, and never even question their validity. They rarely generate positive action and their negativity drains us of motivation and energy. But yet they drive much of what we do.
Let me share an example.
I don’t know how many times I’ve not been feeling well, but pushed myself to attend an event because I felt I ‘should’ go. And I don’t know how many times by doing so I’ve not only not enjoyed the night, but made my sickness worse in the process.
What made me push myself to go? When I really got down to it, this was my thinking behind the ‘should:’
‘I should attend that event, because if I don’t go, I’ll let people down and they will think I’m unreliable.’
Really? Would they? Or would they understand that illness is not something we could have predicted? Does it really matter what they think as long as your own integrity is intact?
• Your ‘coulds’ will set you free! •
Let me suggest something a bit radical. What would happen if I tried replacing some of my ‘shoulds’ with ‘coulds?’
I could attend that event, because it would make my friends happy, or I could leave it tonight, because I’m exhausted and not feeling well.
When I frame it like that, it makes better sense not to go, doesn’t it?
‘I could’ is so much more empowering than ‘I should,’ because it emphasises the pros and cons of a choice rather than the guilt that accompanies a sense of real or imagined unfulfilled obligation.
In other words, while ‘should’ doesn’t allow me to make mistakes, ‘could’ helps me to understand that I am human.
• How to break free from your ‘shoulds’ •
1. Each time you realise you are being hard on yourself, write down the ‘should’ statement behind it.
2. Ask yourself, ‘Who says?’ What great authority says I should do this thing? And why? What evidence supports it and what doesn’t? If your ‘should’ is rooted in Truth (which for Christians, we find in the Bible) then absolutely go for it. If it’s not, it needs to go!
3. Rewrite your ‘should’ sentence with the world ‘could’ and see what options open to to you.
4. Choose any ‘coulds’ actually worth taking action on – then replace them with ‘I wills’. Positive actions at the ready!
You won’t believe the clarity and freedom this will bring you. I’ve been practising over the last few months and seen the difference already.
A life of ‘shoulds’ is full of clouds but a life of coulds is full of clear blue skies.
You shall know your ‘shoulds,’ and your ‘coulds’ will set you free. Try it and see!
Yesterday morning in our house, we all woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Or should I say, Eden was in the wrong bed, and Zoë got up at the wrong time.
Whatever the wrongness was exactly, it began a series of events that precipitated various trails of destruction.
The glitter episode was a major glitch in my day. Anyone who knows me knows that (unlike most people) I don’t mind a bit of glitter – as long as its administration is closely supervised. My kids love it, and a dusting of sparkles never did anyone any harm.
But a deluge of glitter generously dumped onto the floor when my back is turned… combined with a meltdown of epic proportions when I dared to hoover up their precious abstract masterpiece? That’s enough to make me lose my cool!
What pushed me over the edge, though, was a mud soup exercise gone wrong. Just as God clearly instructed Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, I laid out in no uncertain terms that Zoë and Eden could stir the mud, add ingredients to the mud, but they could NOT get into the mud. That was the one precondition. That was the forbidden fruit.
But the temptation was too great, and my fuse was too short.
My kids left a trail of destruction behind them today. But I left behind my own path of impatient encounters, cross words and harsh attitudes. What they needed from me was an appropriate consequence, but what they got from me was untethered belligerence.
Yesterday evening, I made my mind up that tomorrow’s trail would be one of forgiveness, grace, fun and embrace instead.
Because truth is, at the end of each day we will either have left a pretty path for those we’ve encouraged, or a heavy load for those we’ve wounded.
You see, human hearts are like wet cement- how you treat them will leave a lasting impression – for good or for ill- on people’s lives.
I don’t know about you, but by the end of each day and the end of my days I do not want what is left behind to be:
🌱Sticky sarcasm or cutting humour
🌱sharp shards of broken relationships
🌱Spatters from shouting and mud slinging
🌱Smears from hurt feelings and unfulfilled promises
‘Human hearts are like wet cement- how you treat them will leave a lasting impression’
Instead, I want my life’s trail to be:
🌱A trickle of Breadcrumbs of kindness that people can follow to find their way home
🌱A sprinkling of sparkling, life -giving words that cause faces to glow and eyes to shine
🌱 A channel of grace that draws people in to taste the measureless love of God for the very first time.
🌱 I want to leave footprints of healing and hope, and tread the injustices I see into the ground.
‘Wherever we go, whatever we do, we will leave a trail behind us for the world to see.’
On the face of it, this week was a disaster for our family.
Our four-year-old fell off a see-saw on Sunday afternoon. The ominous crack and blood-curdling scream told me that something was definitely broken, which was confirmed soon after by x-ray as a smashed bone near her elbow. After an initial appointment at A & E, we were told to return the day after and wait for surgery.
The poor wee pet hadn’t eaten anything since the night before, but due to unforeseen circumstances it ended up that she had to wait all day before she was called to theatre. Because of COVID-19, only one of us could be with her. I had planned to relieve her dad of duty a couple of hours in, but we weren’t allowed to do this after all because of infection control.
Feeling helpless, I decided I would go and buy some food, but my car wouldn’t start. When Zoe finally did get her operation, it was much longer than planned, as was her recovery because the nurses were struggling to bring her round from the anaesthetic. When she eventually became conscious, she was pleading tearfully to go home, but because it was so late she needed to stay overnight.
Sounds like a series of unfortunate events, right?
Not if you look a little closer.
Not if you look for the helpers.
After Zoe’s fall, when it became clear that her arm was in a bad way, a nurse from a neighbouring garden came over to help. She used her own scarf to make a sling and gave us advice on which hospital to go to. We found out later that lady had just buried her father that day. And yet she chose to intervene and use her expertise to help us. Wow.
And it didn’t stop there.
After that, I saw helpers everywhere.
Our thoughtful friend made sure that Eden was delivered safely to her grandparents, while we rushed Zoe to hospital. Eden’s granny and granda made sure that she was pampered and spoiled so much that she didn’t even have time to miss her big sister.
When we arrived at the fracture clinic, we bumped into our friend, who works as a children’s nurse. She set Zoe at ease and gave her stickers to make her smile.
On the ward, the nurses fussed over Zoe and made much of her. They let try on PPE for fun, gave her books to read and compared her hair to the blonde locks of Rapunzel. That went down pretty well, as you can imagine!
When my car wouldn’t start in the carpark, a kind gentleman came over and offered to help. We got talking and it turned out this same man had lost his beautiful wife and daughter only weeks ago, and his youngest girl had been fighting for her life in intensive care. Yet he saw a need and chose to offer his help. I was completely blown away.
I witnessed senior doctors changing nappies and nurses cuddling babies whose parents had to leave them each night to go home and look after their other children. I saw mothers lovingly carry children down corridors who were undergoing cancer treatment and were finding it difficult to walk.
Sitting on the floor outside the ward waiting for Zoe to come up from recovery, a nurse on her way out at the end of a long shift stopped, asked was I alright, brought me a chair to sit on and a cheese sandwich to eat.
Our phones didn’t stop all day with messages asking for updates and expressing offers of help and support. What an encouragement to know that so many people cared and were praying for us.
And when we got home, that’s when the knocks at the door and the deliveries began. A sling that made Zoe much more comfortable, a list of groceries bought, baked treats, homemade dinners, cards, and gifts.
I saw this quote that Links Counselling posted on Facebook yesterday, and it really does frame the last few days for me beautifully:
When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realising that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.
We are blessed to know so many kind, thoughtful, loving and caring people. But this bump in the road has reminded me again that no matter how horrible, how terrible or how terrifying the situation in front of you, you can always look for the helpers.
If you do, you’ll see a different side to the story.
A side that fills you with hope and warms your heart.
A side that can make your soul sing again with gratitude, no matter how hard things get.
At this time in history, when there is so much darkness, injustice and uncertainty, it’s important not only to focus on acts of injustice, but also to appreciate simple acts of kindness. It’s crucial to remember those who are shining their lights and bringing hope to hopeless situations. It’s key that we don’t get so caught up in the dreariness that we miss the cheeriness. Because it’s in those moments that the beauty of the human spirit shines all the more. It’s during tough times that friendship shows its true strength. It’s through those tests of endurance that the bonds of family become ever tighter.
When disaster strikes, look for the helpers. And watch them light up the dark.
Eden is such a random wee article. She’s always been one to keep us guessing.
Yesterday, I caught her red-handed with a spoon and a jar of chocolate spread. Let’s just say that wasn’t much left to go round. I wasn’t really bothered- that’s normal kid behaviour right? I told her off, then smiled to myself when her head was turned.
But a few minutes later, I heard a loud gagging noise coming from the kitchen. I rushed in, only to find her with a blue tinged powdery substance all around her mouth.
Judging by the sounds she was making and the grotesque grimace on her face, she had eaten something that definitely did not taste as good as the Nutella.
True to form, my mind instantly went down the proverbial rabbit hole. Immediately the catastrophic thought came, ‘She’s swallowed a dishwasher tablet. I’m going to have to bring her to hospital. She’s poisoned herself.’
I forced myself to take deep breath, step back from the drama unfolding in my head, and deduce what had actually happened.
‘Eden, what did you eat?’
Between the ‘bleurrrggghhhs’ I just about managed to make out a garbled – ‘salt.’-
She pointed sheepishly, and sure enough, on the table, a bowl of blueberries were disintegrating beneath an enormous mountain of salt. Well, that explained the blue paste.
(Sigh of relief.)
True, salt isn’t the best, but it’s better than corrosive chemicals. No hospital trip required today.
‘Eden, will you ever eat salt again?’
(I didn’t think so.)
Crisis averted. Until the next time.
I think most parents would panic a little in this situation. But I have to admit; I am a person who all too easily envisages the worst possible outcome. On a good day, I’m a measured troubleshooter. On a bad day, I’m an anxious catastrophizer.
“ca·tas·tro·phize | \ kə-ˈta-strə-ˌfīz”
to imagine the worst possible outcome of an action or event : to think about a situation or event as being a catastrophe or having a potentially catastrophic outcome
Experts think people like me unconsciously learn to envisage the worst possible outcome because it allows for the greatest relief of anxiety when we are reassured. And boy, did I feel a sense of relief when I realised the dishwasher tablet in my mind was in fact just plain old salt.
To be fair, considering all possibilities in a stressful scenario is not a destructive thing if you can think through them logically. But if you continually allow your mind to wander around in a warren of uncertainties, you will waste a lot of time and energy meandering within a maze of potential futures.
Here are four strategies I’ve been practising to beat this unhelpful anxious habit!
It’s often in vague, ambiguous or uncertain situations that catastrophic thinking can take hold.
If you get a letter from the hospital asking you to return for more tests but giving no other information, that could spark excessive worry.
If a friend sends you a vague text like, ‘we need to talk,’ you could begin imagining all kinds of scenarios.
If you are thrust into a global pandemic, and you don’t know when it will be safe for normal life will resume, that uncertainty will be a huge source of stress.
This might seem counterintuitive, but actually one of the best things to do is acknowledge the uncertainty before you.
2. Determine the facts
The key thing here, though, is to start with the facts of the situation, rather than the feelings the situation has generated.
e.g. Fact: We are in the midst of a pandemic, and we don’t know when, or if ever, we will resume a ‘normal’ way of life.
e.g. Feeling: I feel like this situation going on and on and it will never end. Everyone I love is in danger. I feel paralysed and helpless. It’s making me so stressed out!
Stick to the facts! And refuse to go any further with it until you…
3. Take a deep breath (or ten!)
When you concentrate fully on breathing slowly, physiologically this will stop your thoughts in their tracks, slow your heart rate down, and stimulate your body’s parasympathetic (or calming) response.
Now you’ll be able to think more logically and realistically about the situation that is in front of you.
4. Take your ‘worry energy’ and invest it somewhere else
Have you ever noticed that anxiety and excitement feel kind of similar? Both involve nervous energy, tummy butterflies, and sweaty palms. So instead of using that energy on negative thinking, why not gather it up into something positive and throw it into something productive. In other words, turn those jitters into jazz hands.
Paint, write, walk, play sport, do DIY or gardening- whatever will help to keep you grounded, use that energy creatively, and feed your soul at the same time.
So if you’re a ‘better safe than sorry’ kind of person, I hear you!
If you’re reading this and can’t identify with it at all, then so much the better.
But if at any point you find yourself feeling ‘sorry’ more often than you do ‘safe,’ it might be helpful to remember that:
Things often aren’t as bad as they first seem
We can control how we respond to stress, and
Most situations can be pivoted in some way towards the positive.
When you’re hit with stress, will you choose to see the dishwasher tablet or the plain old salt first? I’m going for salt from now on!
Most if not all of us will have heard the tale of a little girl named Goldilocks, who boldly makes herself at home in the cottage of a family of three bears. She eats their porridge, moving from the bowl that is scalding, to the one that’s too cold, then eventually finding the one that’s ‘just right.’ As she goes through the house, she tests out each chair, and even each bed, seeking out which is perfectly tailored to her needs.
Isn’t that a bit like parenting today? It’s as if parenthood is being sold by society as some kind of a fairytale story, where the aim is to get each element ‘just right.’ But one reason (among many!) as to why this perfection is ever elusive is that we are all continually swamped with well-meaning but contradictory advice from all directions.
So I thought I’d write you a little tongue-in-cheek poem, as a little reminder not to take ourselves quite as seriously as much of the time.
Modern parenthood is a myth, an elusive balancing act;
A fairytale forest filled with fiction and sold to us as fact.
For around every corner and just beyond every bend,
You’ve got judges and experts (and the many who pretend!)
They’ve all got it sussed and they advise with delight –
Not too much, not too little – you need to get it all ‘just right.’
From the moment you’re expecting, you must cherish every minute,
Even if you’re sick and tired and praying for the finish.
Don’t eat too much, but don’t lose weight – You must be round and glowing;
Remember to eat healthy now, a baby you are growing!
After birth, take time out, but don’t dare hide away –
You need to rest up, but you should ask every visitor to stay.
Don’t feel any pressure to tidy up your house,
But we’ll talk about you if you leave too much lying around.
Feed your baby yourself, but please not for too long
For once they are toddlers, well that’s just plain ‘wrong.’
Dummies are fine for some soothing relief,
But not once they’re two, ‘cause it’s bad for their teeth!
Cuddles are well and good, but put them down to sleep,
Or goodness only knows what bad habits they will keep!
You’ll spoil them you see, their dependence don’t end;
They’ll be going to school and still sleep in your bed (gasp!!)
Be flexible, look out for, and meet all your baby’s needs
Except, except for at night, when it’s for ‘attention,’ or ‘greed.’
You must play with your kid, but not all the time;
They need to know how to occupy their own mind.
Structure the day, but schedule in play
Or they’ll certainly be anxious and depressive one day.
Put boundaries in place, but don’t show too much grace
Or one day they’ll throw it all back in your face.
Don’t be too soft, but don’t be too hard
Don’t shout or scold, or for life they’ll be scarred.
Not too much sugar, not too much salt-
If they’re fussy or hyper it’ll be all your fault.
You must cook them veggies, but don’t forget sweets;
They shouldn’t miss out on the occasional treat!
They’ll get ipads at school, but don’t use them at home
Always know where they are – but don’t buy them a phone.
You know, I think there’s a reason why ‘Goldilocks’ ends
With her waking up, screaming and running away.
Because ‘just right’ all the time just isn’t real life;
It’s time we determined no longer to strive;
For the sooner we do the sooner we’ll find
That our kids see our flaws and they really don’t mind.
What they need is our love, our care and our best;
Let’s not get too preoccupied with the rest.
For there’s no ‘just right’ parent or child in the world
But there’s plenty of delicious moments yet to unfurl.
I love the Pixar movie ‘Brave’, and most especially its main character. ‘Merida,’ a Scottish highland royal, is a spunky princess with a fiery spirit. She questions everything and she resists restrictions of every kind. Yet as the plot unfolds, Merida discovers what real bravery is, and owns it in a way that’s true to her story. Along the way, she realises that – contrary to what she first thought – courage is not escaping the realities of her life but rather facing them head on – learning compromise and contentment on the journey.
The women I see all around me are all kinds of brave. All kinds of strong. All kinds of courageous.
Im thinking first of those who quietly carry the weighty burden of unfulfilled longings.
… a soul mate to live life with
… a child of your own
… a friend to open your heart to
… a body free of pain
For now, it seems like all around you people are celebrating their attainment of what seems so far out of your reach.
Some of you sob silently in the car, in the shower, after every wedding, social occasion, a dedication service you attend. Longing yawns at your soul like an ever widening chasm that you can’t escape.
You want to hide away. But the majority of the time you don’t. You attend that engagement party, wedding, baby shower, choosing to shower your friends with gifts, meals and love.
Even in the depths of deep longing, you continue to cultivate contentment and grow in gratitude.
You are your own gracious and generous kind of brave, even when you don’t feel it.
I’m thinking here of those of you who are ambitious, gifted in leadership, and career-minded. You have been painted as hard-nosed, cold, detached, or as having a hidden agenda. You’re the threat in the boardroom, the butt of chauvinistic jokes, the brunt-bearer of laddish humour. You laugh it off as you smart inside. You hold it together there and then and cry your tears later.
It hurts, but it won’t stop you striving for excellence, growing in your gifts and getting those promotions.
You are your own delightfully determined kind of brave, even when you don’t feel it.
We’ve all heard the phrase, ‘Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’ The fact is, some of you are fighting private battles we will never ever know about.
Whether it’s hormonal issues, digestive problems, anxiety, depression, abuse, or traumatic childhood memories … you drag yourself up and out, go to work, smile, serve others or tend to little ones’ needs. You do your best work. Every single day. Even on the days when your best is simply lying in bed, crippled with pain.
Even those days.
You are your own tenaciously tender kind of brave, even when you don’t feel it.
Some of you caregivers are living bravely in the midst of your exhaustion. Whether it’s looking after multiple babies and toddlers, partners with depression, parents with dementia, or children with complex needs; you pour yourself out day on day, year on year, for the dignity and flourishing of others – often with very little support or respite.
You are bravely exhausted. But you’re effervescently courageous, even when you don’t feel it.
The women I see all around me are all kinds of brave.
Courage comes in all shapes and sizes. It looks different for every person. But it always involves facing facts, summoning strength to persevere, having the humility to make changes, and cultivating a sweet spirit along the way.
Let’s remember, though, that bravery is not something thatneeds to happen alone.
If you are experiencing complex challenges in life, you may feel invisible to the world. But you are not. You are seen by God. And you are cared for by so many.
Join a ‘strong girls club’ near you today. Reach out to other courageous women you see around you. Because when you are your own kind of brave before others, they will catch your courage, and they will pass it on.
Be your own kind of brave, but don’t be brave alone.
Over the past few weeks in Northern Ireland, there has been a growing sense of weariness and frustration with this pandemic, and the pendulum swings of restrictions that have had so many costly repercussions.
In the midst of my own personal feelings about it, I’ve also been so conscious of the impossible tightrope those in authority are walking at the moment. I’ve found myself imagining what I would do if I had to choose between overwhelming the health service and destroying the economy, between elective services and reactive provisions. I heard a politician say in a radio interview a few days ago, ‘This is a lose-lose situation. Something always has to give; there’s always a cost to pay. It’s a precarious predicament.’
That’s part of life all round though, isn’t it? This has just been a particularly stark reminder of humanity’s finitude.
Every day, I’m reminded (much to my dismay), that I can’t do it all.
🌱 When my work life flourishes, my social life suffers.
🌱 When I’m getting quality time with my husband, my kids clamour for my attention.
🌱 When I get better at self-care, other people in my life can feel neglected.
Why is there always this sense that we aren’t doing enough, or achieving equilibrium in any area? Who gets the balance totally right?
Actually, someone did. But He was (and is) – fully Man and fully God.
🌱 Jesus mastered the impossible tightrope of deity and humanity on this earth.
🌱 He was always productive, in rest and in work.
🌱 He poured out endlessly but stored up spiritually.
🌱 He knew to say no to the wrong things so he could say yes to the right things.
🌱 He was perfectly self aware without being remotely self focused.
🌱 He balanced the scales of grace and truth perfectly.
🌱 He is perfectly consistent in all his judgments and fair in all His assessments.
🌱 His unmistakable authority complements His irrefutable humility.
🌱 He is always loving, in kindness and in rebuke.
🌱 He was fully majestic in absolute meekness.
Jesus understood who He was and what He came to do. He gave his life so others could find it. And because He lived the perfect life, died the perfect death and rose again to life, He provided a win-win solution to our inability to get things right.
The phrase, “Something’s gotta give” means that things are building up and whatever is supporting everything is going to break under the pressure.
Yes, the pressure of getting the balance right is too much for us – particularly when there are important decisions to make; and most especially when tragedy strikes and all the plates we’ve been spinning crash to the floor.
Yet the real freedom comes when we stop resisting the fact that we can’t do it all, and hand it over to the only One who can- who did, who does and who will. There’s liberty to be found in recognising our wisdom is only partial, our energies are finite, our foresight is limited and our capacity is not endless.
Somethings gotta give… so give it all to Him.
Hand it all over to the only One who can support the load, and keep you steady. Release it all to the only One who knows what lies ahead for you and for our nation. Place everything into the hands of the only One who can give you true wisdom for the next step. Entrust your life to the only One who can help you walk the line in impossible situations. And when you feel you can’t carry your invisible load anymore, remember He carried the weight of it all for you.
I did a ridiculous thing today. Just when I think I can’t get any more daft, I reach another level. I’ve concluded that sometimes my head is so far ‘in my head’ that my environmental senses don’t work properly.
Bill asked me to post a really important piece of correspondence this morning. He drove me right up to the postbox at the garage.
Whistling merrily, I slotted the piece of mail through the opening and swivelled back to the car with a flourish.
‘Hilary! That’s not a post box, that’s the bin!!’
Sure enough, I looked around, and that prized letter was, in fact, nestled comfortably on top of a pile of used coffee cups in a red waste bin.
Two yards to the right, the red post box gloated at me proudly, now reflecting the new rouge of my cheeks perfectly. Quick as a whippet, I glanced around sheepishly, fished the letter out (thankfully relatively unscathed) and deposited it in the right place.
Bill looked at me in utter disbelief as I slouched back into the car and slunk into my seat sheepishly.
I started to argue my case … ‘look – they were right beside each other … and they’re both red…’
And then we all started to laugh.
The girls’ giggles came first, closely followed by my belly chuckle and Bill’s wheezy wonder. No doubt Zoë went into school and told all her teachers that mummy posts her letters into the bin.
Well, it was a narrow escape, to be sure. Had Bill not been there to intercept, my important letter could have ended up in landfill – certainly not the place I intended it to end up!
But as I thought (and chuckled) about the whole thing, I realised there may be larger lessons to learn from this ridiculous mistake.
A landfill of gossip or a bank of loyalty?
We’ve all done this at some point, haven’t we? In a moment of distraction, we’ve shared something with someone in confidence, who inevitably spreads it and brings it to somewhere we didn’t want it to go.
Gossip is a landfill. It’s a place full of criticisms and superficial opinions. But people who are trustworthy hide important things in their heart and keep them in their bank of loyalty.
In short, we need to be discerning about who we open our souls to! Does that person have a history of talking about other people? Do they have your best interests at heart? If not, don’t post anything personal there! The best post boxes are people who don’t allow any old person access.
Pearls and pigs
Many of us will already know the phrase, ‘don’t cast your pearls before swine.’ But what does it mean?
At the most basic level, pearls represent precious things, and pigs represent people who don’t see the value of that precious thing.
Likewise, it’s not wise to offer personal treasures to someone who you know will not appreciate them or view them with contempt. Post your pearls to people who will truly benefit from them, and who will be blessed in the receiving!
There are some women in my life who are packed full of pearls. When I’m with them I love to receive and learn from all the incredible life experience, advice and insight they have. Let’s be people who look for the value in others and are grateful when they give of themselves and offer something that is precious and full of quality.
Don’t waste your gifts, unwrap them
I love the parable of the talents in Matthew 25, which tells of a Boss who went away to travel, and entrusted properly to his three servants. Two of the servant invested it and made gains on it, and they were commended for good stewardship, but the last one hid his away so no one would know it was there, with disastrous consequences.
Our time on earth is too short to hide our talent and resources away in this life, or even use them for the wrong purposes. Invest your talents in the right place, and you’ll see them go places. And if you’re thinking you don’t have anything to offer, you might just need someone to help you unwrap your gifts.